So much has happened since my last post. I’m in a much better place right now. As the title said, I saw the most amazing thing, the birth of baby Eleni Jade. She is so beautiful. I’m committed to writing a “birth story” from my third party perspective which I’ll post in the next week. It’s funny, I was supposed to attend the birth of my niece in 2010 but she was born in the 36 hours I was out of the state for a taekwon-do tournament. My sister-in-law always said to me that if I saw someone give birth then I would never want to do it. To be honest, I was a little bit scared that she would be right. I forgot that whenever I have to do something I’m scared of, I always say “you do it first!” because after I see someone else do it, I find it easier to do it too.
Personally, I’m now of the belief that every “first timer” should try and attend a birth. I guess, though, that it would only be if you were attending the birth of someone as amazing as K. We had talked quite a bit before the birth, I’d read her birth plan and like me, she was very pro-natural birth. I’ll leave the details for the birth story but when the time came, there was nothing scary about it. K was in control the whole time and while she was undoubtedly in a lot of pain, she vocalised it and dealt with it. I haven’t been scared off childbirth at all, in fact I’m more than ready for it.
Reading a million pregnancy books couldn’t have prepared me for the real thing as much as seeing it live did. I remember being amazed by my nephew and my niece as babies but when I had newborn cuddles with baby Eleni a mere two hours after she was born (I was the first person after Mum and Dad to hold her!), I don’t think I’ve ever been more amazed. Even last night, a week later, I visited and had cuddles and was still so taken away by her. I literally just stared at her as I held her for almost an hour. I can’t even imagine how it will feel when the baby is mine, when I’m the one who has carried and birthed them. They’re not wrong when they call it “the miracle of birth” because it truly is miraculous!
So…I guess that bring us back to our TTC journey. Due to Eleni’s unfortunately-timed-but-nonetheless-amazing birth, we didn’t actually DTD on the day I O’d…which was the day E was born. We did DTD the day before and had been following the SMEP of doing it every other day so we’re still in with a chance. Testing day is Friday, the 1st of June. So far no symptoms other than what I normally have and I don’t feel pregnant. I’m trying (and failing) to not get my hopes up. A part of me is convinced that I’ll get the “Not Pregnant” on my ClearBlue Digital test on Friday morning but a larger part thinks it’ll say “Pregnant”. I’m trying to beat that part into submission right now because I can’t deal with the devastating fallout if I’m not pregnant and I haven’t already killed my hopes.
Speaking of beating things into submission, I’m halfway through the Fifty Shades series. Interesting, very interesting. *fans self*
My Scales Are Wrong!
Tuesday, 29 May 2012
Wednesday, 16 May 2012
That awkward moment...
…when your Uncle walks into the lingerie store to deliver a package as a courier while you’re in the process of buying sexy underwear because your CBFM told you to do the deed tonight!
How embarrassing! ;)
How embarrassing! ;)
Tuesday, 15 May 2012
Incommunicado
So I went down to Bunbury on the weekend. It was difficult, that’s for sure. So many things reminded me of the miscarriage I had when I was down there last. On a positive note, my new car was fantastic to drive, it was so enjoyable. I was frustrated on Friday night because I left work early enough that I should’ve been able to drive down there while we still had sunlight but alas, it had been decided that I would take one of my cousins with me. By 5pm he was only just leaving home and then he got on the wrong train line so we only ended up leaving Perth around 6:30pm which meant most of the drive was done in the dark. It certainly wasn’t as bad a drive as it used to be now that the Freeway goes the whole way to Bunbury, though.
When we got there, we had a great time playing Skip-Bo with Nanna before going to bed. The next day we went shopping in the morning before coming home and just relaxing until my Aunt and Uncle showed up with the rest of my cousins. My secret twin made her pregnancy announcement on Facebook on Saturday and commenting on that was the last thing I did before deactivating my Facebook account and going incommunicado. On Sunday I pretty much hibernated. I skipped going to church because I knew the service would be focused on mothers.
All in all, it was great having my Mum and my Aunt around. My Aunt lost a baby at 15 weeks before she had her first and my Mum lost twins at 26 weeks before she had her first so they both knew exactly how I was feeling. The desire to have a baby being so forceful and the fear of not ever having one.
I still haven’t reset my pregnancy app. I should’ve been 16 weeks and 3 days today. I have another one that says I’m 1 week and 5 days which is where I’m at in my current cycle otherwise known as CD12. Still waiting to ovulate, still hoping against hope that it happens this month. There’s no reason for it not to happen really but that gnawing fear gets at me sometimes. What if we were just lucky last time? What if it’s going to take months or years to get pregnant? I can’t handle that.
I just hope it happens soon. For my mental health’s sake I need it to happen soon.
When we got there, we had a great time playing Skip-Bo with Nanna before going to bed. The next day we went shopping in the morning before coming home and just relaxing until my Aunt and Uncle showed up with the rest of my cousins. My secret twin made her pregnancy announcement on Facebook on Saturday and commenting on that was the last thing I did before deactivating my Facebook account and going incommunicado. On Sunday I pretty much hibernated. I skipped going to church because I knew the service would be focused on mothers.
All in all, it was great having my Mum and my Aunt around. My Aunt lost a baby at 15 weeks before she had her first and my Mum lost twins at 26 weeks before she had her first so they both knew exactly how I was feeling. The desire to have a baby being so forceful and the fear of not ever having one.
I still haven’t reset my pregnancy app. I should’ve been 16 weeks and 3 days today. I have another one that says I’m 1 week and 5 days which is where I’m at in my current cycle otherwise known as CD12. Still waiting to ovulate, still hoping against hope that it happens this month. There’s no reason for it not to happen really but that gnawing fear gets at me sometimes. What if we were just lucky last time? What if it’s going to take months or years to get pregnant? I can’t handle that.
I just hope it happens soon. For my mental health’s sake I need it to happen soon.
Thursday, 10 May 2012
My secret twin
I’m just fully of bloggy goodness today, aren’t I? I want to tell you guys about my secret twin. She lives in Melbourne and the parallels between our lives are just downright scary. Our husbands have the same name, we were born in the same year, we both have one brother 3.5 years older than us and now we’re both driving 2008 ex-Coca Cola Ravs. The list goes on and on, right down to the fact that we even have the same exact shade of crappy not-brown yet non-blonde hair.
The one place where we have differed is in our journey of trying to conceive, unfortunately she tried for two years before finding out she needed to have IVF which was partially why I had myself convinced that my husband and I would need IVF too. Here’s where we begin to parallel one another again, though, after four cycles of IVF and on her first cycle of a fresh batch of eggs she got pregnant only to lose her baby at 6 weeks (I hope she doesn’t mind me linking but you can read about it here). We didn’t need IVF which is the big difference, we got pregnant in our first cycle trying only to lose our baby at 9 weeks. She had to wait a long cycle that was 9 weeks long to try again, we had to wait a long cycle that was 6 weeks long before we could try again. She then got pregnant on that cycle so if we get pregnant this cycle we’ll be back in alignment. If we’d both kept our babies, I would’ve been four months behind her in my pregnancy, if I get pregnant this cycle I’ll be back to being four months behind her in my pregnancy.
When I first got pregnant we would talk every day for hours about my pregnancy. At the time I had no idea how much this must have killed her. My newly pregnant self was smug in her assuredness that nothing would go wrong. I was sure that everything was going to be perfect and when she got pregnant meaning that she would be due in the same month as me I was ecstatic, sure that everything was going to come up roses but alas it wasn’t meant to be.
Unlike my secret twin, I couldn’t bear to hear her updates on her pregnancy. Where she had been able to listen to me blabber on for hours about how excited I was, I pulled away from her. I have never actively avoided her calls or interacting with her but I certainly didn’t ask her about her pregnancy the way she had with me. So I’ve found that that’s where we differ. As alike as we may be, she is a far, far nicer person than me. I’m so glad that I have her in my life and I’m writing this post so that she knows this.
There are so many people in my life that I am grateful for. People who support me when I’m having a rough time like these last two months. I could write a blog about each and every one of them, there are definitely a few that come to mind immediately like the friend who emails me every day and even lent me her car when mine broke down, the friend who called me from America as soon she heard about my miscarriage even though she was on a holiday but here’s a more recent example. I posted that last post of mine on Facebook earlier. Straight away I got the loveliest message from (try and stay with me here) my husband’s cousin’s girlfriend asking me if I want to hang out next week for some girly time because I sounded like I needed it. With people like this is my life I know that I will make it through this even though sometimes it’s still incredibly hard teetering on the edge of that pit.
The one place where we have differed is in our journey of trying to conceive, unfortunately she tried for two years before finding out she needed to have IVF which was partially why I had myself convinced that my husband and I would need IVF too. Here’s where we begin to parallel one another again, though, after four cycles of IVF and on her first cycle of a fresh batch of eggs she got pregnant only to lose her baby at 6 weeks (I hope she doesn’t mind me linking but you can read about it here). We didn’t need IVF which is the big difference, we got pregnant in our first cycle trying only to lose our baby at 9 weeks. She had to wait a long cycle that was 9 weeks long to try again, we had to wait a long cycle that was 6 weeks long before we could try again. She then got pregnant on that cycle so if we get pregnant this cycle we’ll be back in alignment. If we’d both kept our babies, I would’ve been four months behind her in my pregnancy, if I get pregnant this cycle I’ll be back to being four months behind her in my pregnancy.
When I first got pregnant we would talk every day for hours about my pregnancy. At the time I had no idea how much this must have killed her. My newly pregnant self was smug in her assuredness that nothing would go wrong. I was sure that everything was going to be perfect and when she got pregnant meaning that she would be due in the same month as me I was ecstatic, sure that everything was going to come up roses but alas it wasn’t meant to be.
Unlike my secret twin, I couldn’t bear to hear her updates on her pregnancy. Where she had been able to listen to me blabber on for hours about how excited I was, I pulled away from her. I have never actively avoided her calls or interacting with her but I certainly didn’t ask her about her pregnancy the way she had with me. So I’ve found that that’s where we differ. As alike as we may be, she is a far, far nicer person than me. I’m so glad that I have her in my life and I’m writing this post so that she knows this.
There are so many people in my life that I am grateful for. People who support me when I’m having a rough time like these last two months. I could write a blog about each and every one of them, there are definitely a few that come to mind immediately like the friend who emails me every day and even lent me her car when mine broke down, the friend who called me from America as soon she heard about my miscarriage even though she was on a holiday but here’s a more recent example. I posted that last post of mine on Facebook earlier. Straight away I got the loveliest message from (try and stay with me here) my husband’s cousin’s girlfriend asking me if I want to hang out next week for some girly time because I sounded like I needed it. With people like this is my life I know that I will make it through this even though sometimes it’s still incredibly hard teetering on the edge of that pit.
So I am normal...
...just when I'd begun to think I might be sliding off the deep end with my inability to cope, I found this gem on Wikipedia. The last paragraph in particular fits to a tee. While I'm incredibly happy for all my pregnant friends and those with children, seeing their updates is sometimes like pouring salt on an open wound.
From Wikipedia:
Although a woman physically recovers from a spontaneous abortion quickly, in general, psychological recovery for parents may take a long time. People differ greatly in this regard: some are able to move on after a few months, but others take more than a year. Still others may feel relief or other less negative emotions. A questionnaire (GHQ-12 General Health Questionnaire) study following women having aborted showed that half (55%) of them presented with significant psychological distress immediately, 25% at 3 months; 18% at 6 months, and 11% at 1 year after miscarriage.
Besides the feeling of loss, a lack of understanding by others is often important. People who have not experienced it themselves may find it difficult to empathize with what has occurred, and how upsetting it may be. This may lead to unrealistic expectations of the parents' recovery. The pregnancy and the abortion cease to be mentioned in conversations, often because the subject is too painful. This may make the woman feel particularly isolated. Inappropriate or insensitive responses from the medical professionals can add to the distress and trauma experienced, so in some cases attempts have been made to draw up a standard code of practice.
Often interaction with pregnant women and newborn children is painful for parents who have experienced spontaneous abortion. Sometimes this makes interaction with friends, acquaintances, and family very difficult.
From Wikipedia:
Although a woman physically recovers from a spontaneous abortion quickly, in general, psychological recovery for parents may take a long time. People differ greatly in this regard: some are able to move on after a few months, but others take more than a year. Still others may feel relief or other less negative emotions. A questionnaire (GHQ-12 General Health Questionnaire) study following women having aborted showed that half (55%) of them presented with significant psychological distress immediately, 25% at 3 months; 18% at 6 months, and 11% at 1 year after miscarriage.
Besides the feeling of loss, a lack of understanding by others is often important. People who have not experienced it themselves may find it difficult to empathize with what has occurred, and how upsetting it may be. This may lead to unrealistic expectations of the parents' recovery. The pregnancy and the abortion cease to be mentioned in conversations, often because the subject is too painful. This may make the woman feel particularly isolated. Inappropriate or insensitive responses from the medical professionals can add to the distress and trauma experienced, so in some cases attempts have been made to draw up a standard code of practice.
Often interaction with pregnant women and newborn children is painful for parents who have experienced spontaneous abortion. Sometimes this makes interaction with friends, acquaintances, and family very difficult.
The bottomless pit of despair
Today I am definitely having a down day. I can’t explain why, there’s no particular reason. I keep thinking about where I should’ve been in my pregnancy. It’s not healthy, you don’t have to tell me, I know. It’s just hard to accept that I have to give up that dream. Or at the very least, that it’s been delayed. I mean, obviously it has, my brain knows that but my heart just keeps telling me that it shouldn’t be that way.
I heard a story this morning from a friend whose friend gave birth to a full term baby that was just over 5 pounds. Why was the baby so small? Because the mother smoked the entire way through the pregnancy. It just makes me so furious that people can be so utterly selfish and yet have essentially a healthy baby. It’s not fair.
I’ve been trying to think of a way to explain how I feel. It’s as though I’m teetering on the edge of a bottomless pit of despair. Some days I can stand comfortably at the edge of it, it’s still there but I’m feeling okay. Other days like today it’s as though I’m slipping in. I always manage to keep hold of a rope of sanity to stop myself truly falling in but while I’m dangling in that pit I can give in to my grief. I can cry, I can think “why me?” and I can compare where I should’ve been to where I am.
I know, of course, that how I’m feeling is a passing phase but I think that dangling in the pit sometimes is a way for me to cope and those down days all lead me one day closer to a brighter future. I will feel better in time, although I don’t think that I will truly be “fixed” until I’m pregnant again. Who knows, maybe that’ll happen this month. It’s stupid, I should be comforted by the fact that we got pregnant but I’m back to being concerned that my husband and I are going to have fertility issues. I guess when you want something so very badly, it’s easy to have irrational fears about it never happening.
I heard a story this morning from a friend whose friend gave birth to a full term baby that was just over 5 pounds. Why was the baby so small? Because the mother smoked the entire way through the pregnancy. It just makes me so furious that people can be so utterly selfish and yet have essentially a healthy baby. It’s not fair.
I’ve been trying to think of a way to explain how I feel. It’s as though I’m teetering on the edge of a bottomless pit of despair. Some days I can stand comfortably at the edge of it, it’s still there but I’m feeling okay. Other days like today it’s as though I’m slipping in. I always manage to keep hold of a rope of sanity to stop myself truly falling in but while I’m dangling in that pit I can give in to my grief. I can cry, I can think “why me?” and I can compare where I should’ve been to where I am.
I know, of course, that how I’m feeling is a passing phase but I think that dangling in the pit sometimes is a way for me to cope and those down days all lead me one day closer to a brighter future. I will feel better in time, although I don’t think that I will truly be “fixed” until I’m pregnant again. Who knows, maybe that’ll happen this month. It’s stupid, I should be comforted by the fact that we got pregnant but I’m back to being concerned that my husband and I are going to have fertility issues. I guess when you want something so very badly, it’s easy to have irrational fears about it never happening.
Wednesday, 9 May 2012
Uh, whoops?
Oh dear…well this is embarrassing. We couldn’t even keep up exercising for a full week, let alone a month! The only good thing is that I haven’t faltered with my diet at all. I’m still eating healthily just not exercising at the moment. I don’t have any excuse, we just have been waking up late and by the time we get home from work we’re both shattered and don’t feel like exercising. It’s a shame because when I do exercise, I feel so much better. I’m feeling very upset with myself and with my husband.
In other news, we heard from the car dealership yesterday and my old car is finally fixed and is going to cost much less than expected with Holden covering the majority of the repairs. At the same time we heard from another dealership that can sell it on consignment. It'll cost $300 to sell it and we’ll get a lot, lot more for it than we would’ve if we’d traded it in. All in all, I was pretty happy about that.
*** WARNING ***
From this point on in this blog, I’m going to double it as a TTC/pregnancy journal. It goes without saying that anything written here shouldn’t be posted on my FB if you’re friends with me there and also, if you’re uncomfortable with terms like EWCM this might not be the blog for you to be reading lol. Also, I reserve the right to write a whole bunch of posts and save them to post after I safely reach 12 weeks in my next pregnancy! ;)
*** END WARNING ***
On the emotional front, I’m feeling a lot better. I’ve learnt that I do not deal with the TWW very well at all. I hope and pray that I get pregnant again soon because it’s messing with my mind. I’ve got my Clear Blue Fertility Monitor (CBFM) locked and loaded (the month we got pregnant we only DTD on the two days it showed “peak fertility”) and we’re prepared with the Sperm Meets Egg Plan (SMEP) as well. I did have a giggle this morning when I did my CBFM test and it told me I had “low fertility”…I’m CD6 and still have remnants of AF hanging around so I never would’ve guessed! ;)
In other news, we heard from the car dealership yesterday and my old car is finally fixed and is going to cost much less than expected with Holden covering the majority of the repairs. At the same time we heard from another dealership that can sell it on consignment. It'll cost $300 to sell it and we’ll get a lot, lot more for it than we would’ve if we’d traded it in. All in all, I was pretty happy about that.
*** WARNING ***
From this point on in this blog, I’m going to double it as a TTC/pregnancy journal. It goes without saying that anything written here shouldn’t be posted on my FB if you’re friends with me there and also, if you’re uncomfortable with terms like EWCM this might not be the blog for you to be reading lol. Also, I reserve the right to write a whole bunch of posts and save them to post after I safely reach 12 weeks in my next pregnancy! ;)
*** END WARNING ***
On the emotional front, I’m feeling a lot better. I’ve learnt that I do not deal with the TWW very well at all. I hope and pray that I get pregnant again soon because it’s messing with my mind. I’ve got my Clear Blue Fertility Monitor (CBFM) locked and loaded (the month we got pregnant we only DTD on the two days it showed “peak fertility”) and we’re prepared with the Sperm Meets Egg Plan (SMEP) as well. I did have a giggle this morning when I did my CBFM test and it told me I had “low fertility”…I’m CD6 and still have remnants of AF hanging around so I never would’ve guessed! ;)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)