I was uncertain if I should blog tonight, I'm feeling a bit emotional but I suppose if one can't write an emo blog and post it online then what is the world coming to? I've been feeling surprisingly okay in the last few weeks. As I said to my secret twin, every day that goes by it gets that little bit easier to deal with the miscarriage but that little bit harder to deal with not being pregnant yet. That being said, some things have changed in the last couple of weeks which have changed my frame of mind but I'll get to that in time.
The title of this post is something of a misnomer. I actually rarely check how far along in my pregnancy I would be these days which is probably a good thing. I definitely spent a lot of time obsessing over those dates in the first couple of months after the miscarriage. I do think that I have been a bit depressed over the last few months, friends have definitely expressed their concern and suggested that I seek some kind of counselling (as has my husband) but I didn't feel that I needed it. I just needed to be able to talk to someone, anyone, about how I was feeling without them suggesting that. I know that sounds like I needed to talk to a counsellor but I didn't want that, I just wanted to feel like I could talk openly with the people I loved about the way I felt without being "judged".
This all came to a head a few weeks ago. My secret twin (who has been amazing in not rubbing her pregnancy in my face, so to speak) sent me a text saying that she and another friend who was pregnant were out together and heard "MMMBop" playing on the radio. I responded with a snarky text and she finally let me have it. She said all of the things that I needed to hear and thank goodness she did. I also had a heart to heart with a close friend (whose baby I saw get born in May, I still need to write that blog!) and she had said some of the same things but it was the slap in the face from my secret twin that finally made me pull my socks up.
I realised that I needed to stop dwelling on the future that I could've had and focus on the one that I have now. I needed to stop taking every little thing to heart and relating it to what happened. So I took a step back and thought about what I really wanted. Yes, I still want to get pregnant but I also want to stay sane. So I've decided to focus more on myself and my health again. We're going to stop trying to get pregnant but we won't use contraception, either. If it happens, it happens but a part of me doesn't actually want it to happen just yet. My 30th birthday is in January and I'm planning to have a kickass party with a mechanical bull and slushy cocktails...not exactly a pregnancy-friendly occasion!
So we're back into dieting and exercise. I waited to post until we'd done it longer than a week this time! My current health kick started when my (stay with me here) husband's cousin's fiancé, T, invited me to come to a pole dancing class with her. It's something I'd wanted to do for years but never had the guts to go on my own and didn't want to be the "fat girl" in the class so I wanted to lose weight first...which was a bit silly. We went to our first class last week and it was awesome, I absolutely loved it! It's a six week course and we're also booked in to do a one off 2 hour lap-dancing class this Friday night and on Saturday I start a six week aerial silks course which I'm also excited about!
What's funny is that my upper body strength has been my major weakness in my adult life and both the pole dancing and aerial silks rely on it so much. I don't know if that's because my arms were so strong when I was a kid doing gymnastics that they atrophied worse than the other muscles once I stopped using them as much. Unlike your leg muscles, your arm muscles just don't get that kind of use unless you're doing exercise (that is to say, they're not used to support your entire body weight unless you walk around on your hands!). I'm looking forward to getting some arm strength back again though, one of my goals is to be able to do a press handstand. That video is actually for a yoga version but when I was looking on YouTube for videos to show what I was talking about, I was so thoroughly impressed by her repeating the move that I had to link that one! I used to be able to do it when I was a gymnast and getting the kind of arm strength where I can do it again is one of my big goals!
Aside from that, we started doing Lite 'N Easy last Saturday. I know, I know, it's a cop out and I own a Thermomix but this is about losing weight, not convenience (though I won't deny, it's a bonus). We also started doing Power 90 again, this time we're doing it in the evenings with me switching out one cardio session for pole dancing, though it'll be two this week with lap dancing included. We're finding so far that this is working for us. Neither of us is a morning person so doing it in the evening and then being able to just heat up our Lite 'N Easy dinners is really working out well for us, plus exercising helps to get rid of the stress of the day.
Anyway, I started this post almost 3 hours ago (I got distracted by a friend on Skype in the middle of writing it!) and now it's 11:55pm so I'm going to post this now and scurry off to bed before today becomes tomorrow! :D
Just want to send you a big hug from across the internet. xoxo
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