So much has happened since my last post. I’m in a much better place right now. As the title said, I saw the most amazing thing, the birth of baby Eleni Jade. She is so beautiful. I’m committed to writing a “birth story” from my third party perspective which I’ll post in the next week. It’s funny, I was supposed to attend the birth of my niece in 2010 but she was born in the 36 hours I was out of the state for a taekwon-do tournament. My sister-in-law always said to me that if I saw someone give birth then I would never want to do it. To be honest, I was a little bit scared that she would be right. I forgot that whenever I have to do something I’m scared of, I always say “you do it first!” because after I see someone else do it, I find it easier to do it too.
Personally, I’m now of the belief that every “first timer” should try and attend a birth. I guess, though, that it would only be if you were attending the birth of someone as amazing as K. We had talked quite a bit before the birth, I’d read her birth plan and like me, she was very pro-natural birth. I’ll leave the details for the birth story but when the time came, there was nothing scary about it. K was in control the whole time and while she was undoubtedly in a lot of pain, she vocalised it and dealt with it. I haven’t been scared off childbirth at all, in fact I’m more than ready for it.
Reading a million pregnancy books couldn’t have prepared me for the real thing as much as seeing it live did. I remember being amazed by my nephew and my niece as babies but when I had newborn cuddles with baby Eleni a mere two hours after she was born (I was the first person after Mum and Dad to hold her!), I don’t think I’ve ever been more amazed. Even last night, a week later, I visited and had cuddles and was still so taken away by her. I literally just stared at her as I held her for almost an hour. I can’t even imagine how it will feel when the baby is mine, when I’m the one who has carried and birthed them. They’re not wrong when they call it “the miracle of birth” because it truly is miraculous!
So…I guess that bring us back to our TTC journey. Due to Eleni’s unfortunately-timed-but-nonetheless-amazing birth, we didn’t actually DTD on the day I O’d…which was the day E was born. We did DTD the day before and had been following the SMEP of doing it every other day so we’re still in with a chance. Testing day is Friday, the 1st of June. So far no symptoms other than what I normally have and I don’t feel pregnant. I’m trying (and failing) to not get my hopes up. A part of me is convinced that I’ll get the “Not Pregnant” on my ClearBlue Digital test on Friday morning but a larger part thinks it’ll say “Pregnant”. I’m trying to beat that part into submission right now because I can’t deal with the devastating fallout if I’m not pregnant and I haven’t already killed my hopes.
Speaking of beating things into submission, I’m halfway through the Fifty Shades series. Interesting, very interesting. *fans self*
My Scales Are Wrong!
Tuesday 29 May 2012
Wednesday 16 May 2012
That awkward moment...
…when your Uncle walks into the lingerie store to deliver a package as a courier while you’re in the process of buying sexy underwear because your CBFM told you to do the deed tonight!
How embarrassing! ;)
How embarrassing! ;)
Tuesday 15 May 2012
Incommunicado
So I went down to Bunbury on the weekend. It was difficult, that’s for sure. So many things reminded me of the miscarriage I had when I was down there last. On a positive note, my new car was fantastic to drive, it was so enjoyable. I was frustrated on Friday night because I left work early enough that I should’ve been able to drive down there while we still had sunlight but alas, it had been decided that I would take one of my cousins with me. By 5pm he was only just leaving home and then he got on the wrong train line so we only ended up leaving Perth around 6:30pm which meant most of the drive was done in the dark. It certainly wasn’t as bad a drive as it used to be now that the Freeway goes the whole way to Bunbury, though.
When we got there, we had a great time playing Skip-Bo with Nanna before going to bed. The next day we went shopping in the morning before coming home and just relaxing until my Aunt and Uncle showed up with the rest of my cousins. My secret twin made her pregnancy announcement on Facebook on Saturday and commenting on that was the last thing I did before deactivating my Facebook account and going incommunicado. On Sunday I pretty much hibernated. I skipped going to church because I knew the service would be focused on mothers.
All in all, it was great having my Mum and my Aunt around. My Aunt lost a baby at 15 weeks before she had her first and my Mum lost twins at 26 weeks before she had her first so they both knew exactly how I was feeling. The desire to have a baby being so forceful and the fear of not ever having one.
I still haven’t reset my pregnancy app. I should’ve been 16 weeks and 3 days today. I have another one that says I’m 1 week and 5 days which is where I’m at in my current cycle otherwise known as CD12. Still waiting to ovulate, still hoping against hope that it happens this month. There’s no reason for it not to happen really but that gnawing fear gets at me sometimes. What if we were just lucky last time? What if it’s going to take months or years to get pregnant? I can’t handle that.
I just hope it happens soon. For my mental health’s sake I need it to happen soon.
When we got there, we had a great time playing Skip-Bo with Nanna before going to bed. The next day we went shopping in the morning before coming home and just relaxing until my Aunt and Uncle showed up with the rest of my cousins. My secret twin made her pregnancy announcement on Facebook on Saturday and commenting on that was the last thing I did before deactivating my Facebook account and going incommunicado. On Sunday I pretty much hibernated. I skipped going to church because I knew the service would be focused on mothers.
All in all, it was great having my Mum and my Aunt around. My Aunt lost a baby at 15 weeks before she had her first and my Mum lost twins at 26 weeks before she had her first so they both knew exactly how I was feeling. The desire to have a baby being so forceful and the fear of not ever having one.
I still haven’t reset my pregnancy app. I should’ve been 16 weeks and 3 days today. I have another one that says I’m 1 week and 5 days which is where I’m at in my current cycle otherwise known as CD12. Still waiting to ovulate, still hoping against hope that it happens this month. There’s no reason for it not to happen really but that gnawing fear gets at me sometimes. What if we were just lucky last time? What if it’s going to take months or years to get pregnant? I can’t handle that.
I just hope it happens soon. For my mental health’s sake I need it to happen soon.
Thursday 10 May 2012
My secret twin
I’m just fully of bloggy goodness today, aren’t I? I want to tell you guys about my secret twin. She lives in Melbourne and the parallels between our lives are just downright scary. Our husbands have the same name, we were born in the same year, we both have one brother 3.5 years older than us and now we’re both driving 2008 ex-Coca Cola Ravs. The list goes on and on, right down to the fact that we even have the same exact shade of crappy not-brown yet non-blonde hair.
The one place where we have differed is in our journey of trying to conceive, unfortunately she tried for two years before finding out she needed to have IVF which was partially why I had myself convinced that my husband and I would need IVF too. Here’s where we begin to parallel one another again, though, after four cycles of IVF and on her first cycle of a fresh batch of eggs she got pregnant only to lose her baby at 6 weeks (I hope she doesn’t mind me linking but you can read about it here). We didn’t need IVF which is the big difference, we got pregnant in our first cycle trying only to lose our baby at 9 weeks. She had to wait a long cycle that was 9 weeks long to try again, we had to wait a long cycle that was 6 weeks long before we could try again. She then got pregnant on that cycle so if we get pregnant this cycle we’ll be back in alignment. If we’d both kept our babies, I would’ve been four months behind her in my pregnancy, if I get pregnant this cycle I’ll be back to being four months behind her in my pregnancy.
When I first got pregnant we would talk every day for hours about my pregnancy. At the time I had no idea how much this must have killed her. My newly pregnant self was smug in her assuredness that nothing would go wrong. I was sure that everything was going to be perfect and when she got pregnant meaning that she would be due in the same month as me I was ecstatic, sure that everything was going to come up roses but alas it wasn’t meant to be.
Unlike my secret twin, I couldn’t bear to hear her updates on her pregnancy. Where she had been able to listen to me blabber on for hours about how excited I was, I pulled away from her. I have never actively avoided her calls or interacting with her but I certainly didn’t ask her about her pregnancy the way she had with me. So I’ve found that that’s where we differ. As alike as we may be, she is a far, far nicer person than me. I’m so glad that I have her in my life and I’m writing this post so that she knows this.
There are so many people in my life that I am grateful for. People who support me when I’m having a rough time like these last two months. I could write a blog about each and every one of them, there are definitely a few that come to mind immediately like the friend who emails me every day and even lent me her car when mine broke down, the friend who called me from America as soon she heard about my miscarriage even though she was on a holiday but here’s a more recent example. I posted that last post of mine on Facebook earlier. Straight away I got the loveliest message from (try and stay with me here) my husband’s cousin’s girlfriend asking me if I want to hang out next week for some girly time because I sounded like I needed it. With people like this is my life I know that I will make it through this even though sometimes it’s still incredibly hard teetering on the edge of that pit.
The one place where we have differed is in our journey of trying to conceive, unfortunately she tried for two years before finding out she needed to have IVF which was partially why I had myself convinced that my husband and I would need IVF too. Here’s where we begin to parallel one another again, though, after four cycles of IVF and on her first cycle of a fresh batch of eggs she got pregnant only to lose her baby at 6 weeks (I hope she doesn’t mind me linking but you can read about it here). We didn’t need IVF which is the big difference, we got pregnant in our first cycle trying only to lose our baby at 9 weeks. She had to wait a long cycle that was 9 weeks long to try again, we had to wait a long cycle that was 6 weeks long before we could try again. She then got pregnant on that cycle so if we get pregnant this cycle we’ll be back in alignment. If we’d both kept our babies, I would’ve been four months behind her in my pregnancy, if I get pregnant this cycle I’ll be back to being four months behind her in my pregnancy.
When I first got pregnant we would talk every day for hours about my pregnancy. At the time I had no idea how much this must have killed her. My newly pregnant self was smug in her assuredness that nothing would go wrong. I was sure that everything was going to be perfect and when she got pregnant meaning that she would be due in the same month as me I was ecstatic, sure that everything was going to come up roses but alas it wasn’t meant to be.
Unlike my secret twin, I couldn’t bear to hear her updates on her pregnancy. Where she had been able to listen to me blabber on for hours about how excited I was, I pulled away from her. I have never actively avoided her calls or interacting with her but I certainly didn’t ask her about her pregnancy the way she had with me. So I’ve found that that’s where we differ. As alike as we may be, she is a far, far nicer person than me. I’m so glad that I have her in my life and I’m writing this post so that she knows this.
There are so many people in my life that I am grateful for. People who support me when I’m having a rough time like these last two months. I could write a blog about each and every one of them, there are definitely a few that come to mind immediately like the friend who emails me every day and even lent me her car when mine broke down, the friend who called me from America as soon she heard about my miscarriage even though she was on a holiday but here’s a more recent example. I posted that last post of mine on Facebook earlier. Straight away I got the loveliest message from (try and stay with me here) my husband’s cousin’s girlfriend asking me if I want to hang out next week for some girly time because I sounded like I needed it. With people like this is my life I know that I will make it through this even though sometimes it’s still incredibly hard teetering on the edge of that pit.
So I am normal...
...just when I'd begun to think I might be sliding off the deep end with my inability to cope, I found this gem on Wikipedia. The last paragraph in particular fits to a tee. While I'm incredibly happy for all my pregnant friends and those with children, seeing their updates is sometimes like pouring salt on an open wound.
From Wikipedia:
Although a woman physically recovers from a spontaneous abortion quickly, in general, psychological recovery for parents may take a long time. People differ greatly in this regard: some are able to move on after a few months, but others take more than a year. Still others may feel relief or other less negative emotions. A questionnaire (GHQ-12 General Health Questionnaire) study following women having aborted showed that half (55%) of them presented with significant psychological distress immediately, 25% at 3 months; 18% at 6 months, and 11% at 1 year after miscarriage.
Besides the feeling of loss, a lack of understanding by others is often important. People who have not experienced it themselves may find it difficult to empathize with what has occurred, and how upsetting it may be. This may lead to unrealistic expectations of the parents' recovery. The pregnancy and the abortion cease to be mentioned in conversations, often because the subject is too painful. This may make the woman feel particularly isolated. Inappropriate or insensitive responses from the medical professionals can add to the distress and trauma experienced, so in some cases attempts have been made to draw up a standard code of practice.
Often interaction with pregnant women and newborn children is painful for parents who have experienced spontaneous abortion. Sometimes this makes interaction with friends, acquaintances, and family very difficult.
From Wikipedia:
Although a woman physically recovers from a spontaneous abortion quickly, in general, psychological recovery for parents may take a long time. People differ greatly in this regard: some are able to move on after a few months, but others take more than a year. Still others may feel relief or other less negative emotions. A questionnaire (GHQ-12 General Health Questionnaire) study following women having aborted showed that half (55%) of them presented with significant psychological distress immediately, 25% at 3 months; 18% at 6 months, and 11% at 1 year after miscarriage.
Besides the feeling of loss, a lack of understanding by others is often important. People who have not experienced it themselves may find it difficult to empathize with what has occurred, and how upsetting it may be. This may lead to unrealistic expectations of the parents' recovery. The pregnancy and the abortion cease to be mentioned in conversations, often because the subject is too painful. This may make the woman feel particularly isolated. Inappropriate or insensitive responses from the medical professionals can add to the distress and trauma experienced, so in some cases attempts have been made to draw up a standard code of practice.
Often interaction with pregnant women and newborn children is painful for parents who have experienced spontaneous abortion. Sometimes this makes interaction with friends, acquaintances, and family very difficult.
The bottomless pit of despair
Today I am definitely having a down day. I can’t explain why, there’s no particular reason. I keep thinking about where I should’ve been in my pregnancy. It’s not healthy, you don’t have to tell me, I know. It’s just hard to accept that I have to give up that dream. Or at the very least, that it’s been delayed. I mean, obviously it has, my brain knows that but my heart just keeps telling me that it shouldn’t be that way.
I heard a story this morning from a friend whose friend gave birth to a full term baby that was just over 5 pounds. Why was the baby so small? Because the mother smoked the entire way through the pregnancy. It just makes me so furious that people can be so utterly selfish and yet have essentially a healthy baby. It’s not fair.
I’ve been trying to think of a way to explain how I feel. It’s as though I’m teetering on the edge of a bottomless pit of despair. Some days I can stand comfortably at the edge of it, it’s still there but I’m feeling okay. Other days like today it’s as though I’m slipping in. I always manage to keep hold of a rope of sanity to stop myself truly falling in but while I’m dangling in that pit I can give in to my grief. I can cry, I can think “why me?” and I can compare where I should’ve been to where I am.
I know, of course, that how I’m feeling is a passing phase but I think that dangling in the pit sometimes is a way for me to cope and those down days all lead me one day closer to a brighter future. I will feel better in time, although I don’t think that I will truly be “fixed” until I’m pregnant again. Who knows, maybe that’ll happen this month. It’s stupid, I should be comforted by the fact that we got pregnant but I’m back to being concerned that my husband and I are going to have fertility issues. I guess when you want something so very badly, it’s easy to have irrational fears about it never happening.
I heard a story this morning from a friend whose friend gave birth to a full term baby that was just over 5 pounds. Why was the baby so small? Because the mother smoked the entire way through the pregnancy. It just makes me so furious that people can be so utterly selfish and yet have essentially a healthy baby. It’s not fair.
I’ve been trying to think of a way to explain how I feel. It’s as though I’m teetering on the edge of a bottomless pit of despair. Some days I can stand comfortably at the edge of it, it’s still there but I’m feeling okay. Other days like today it’s as though I’m slipping in. I always manage to keep hold of a rope of sanity to stop myself truly falling in but while I’m dangling in that pit I can give in to my grief. I can cry, I can think “why me?” and I can compare where I should’ve been to where I am.
I know, of course, that how I’m feeling is a passing phase but I think that dangling in the pit sometimes is a way for me to cope and those down days all lead me one day closer to a brighter future. I will feel better in time, although I don’t think that I will truly be “fixed” until I’m pregnant again. Who knows, maybe that’ll happen this month. It’s stupid, I should be comforted by the fact that we got pregnant but I’m back to being concerned that my husband and I are going to have fertility issues. I guess when you want something so very badly, it’s easy to have irrational fears about it never happening.
Wednesday 9 May 2012
Uh, whoops?
Oh dear…well this is embarrassing. We couldn’t even keep up exercising for a full week, let alone a month! The only good thing is that I haven’t faltered with my diet at all. I’m still eating healthily just not exercising at the moment. I don’t have any excuse, we just have been waking up late and by the time we get home from work we’re both shattered and don’t feel like exercising. It’s a shame because when I do exercise, I feel so much better. I’m feeling very upset with myself and with my husband.
In other news, we heard from the car dealership yesterday and my old car is finally fixed and is going to cost much less than expected with Holden covering the majority of the repairs. At the same time we heard from another dealership that can sell it on consignment. It'll cost $300 to sell it and we’ll get a lot, lot more for it than we would’ve if we’d traded it in. All in all, I was pretty happy about that.
*** WARNING ***
From this point on in this blog, I’m going to double it as a TTC/pregnancy journal. It goes without saying that anything written here shouldn’t be posted on my FB if you’re friends with me there and also, if you’re uncomfortable with terms like EWCM this might not be the blog for you to be reading lol. Also, I reserve the right to write a whole bunch of posts and save them to post after I safely reach 12 weeks in my next pregnancy! ;)
*** END WARNING ***
On the emotional front, I’m feeling a lot better. I’ve learnt that I do not deal with the TWW very well at all. I hope and pray that I get pregnant again soon because it’s messing with my mind. I’ve got my Clear Blue Fertility Monitor (CBFM) locked and loaded (the month we got pregnant we only DTD on the two days it showed “peak fertility”) and we’re prepared with the Sperm Meets Egg Plan (SMEP) as well. I did have a giggle this morning when I did my CBFM test and it told me I had “low fertility”…I’m CD6 and still have remnants of AF hanging around so I never would’ve guessed! ;)
In other news, we heard from the car dealership yesterday and my old car is finally fixed and is going to cost much less than expected with Holden covering the majority of the repairs. At the same time we heard from another dealership that can sell it on consignment. It'll cost $300 to sell it and we’ll get a lot, lot more for it than we would’ve if we’d traded it in. All in all, I was pretty happy about that.
*** WARNING ***
From this point on in this blog, I’m going to double it as a TTC/pregnancy journal. It goes without saying that anything written here shouldn’t be posted on my FB if you’re friends with me there and also, if you’re uncomfortable with terms like EWCM this might not be the blog for you to be reading lol. Also, I reserve the right to write a whole bunch of posts and save them to post after I safely reach 12 weeks in my next pregnancy! ;)
*** END WARNING ***
On the emotional front, I’m feeling a lot better. I’ve learnt that I do not deal with the TWW very well at all. I hope and pray that I get pregnant again soon because it’s messing with my mind. I’ve got my Clear Blue Fertility Monitor (CBFM) locked and loaded (the month we got pregnant we only DTD on the two days it showed “peak fertility”) and we’re prepared with the Sperm Meets Egg Plan (SMEP) as well. I did have a giggle this morning when I did my CBFM test and it told me I had “low fertility”…I’m CD6 and still have remnants of AF hanging around so I never would’ve guessed! ;)
Saturday 5 May 2012
Power 90 W1D6 Day 6 Rest Day
Weight:
86.9 kgs
Loss from last week:
1.4 kgs
Total weight loss:
1.4kgs
So today was weigh-in day and I've lost 1.4kgs since Moday which I'm very happy about. Unfortunately I was suffering from The World's Worst Cramps™ so I stayed in bed doped up on Mersyndol and cuddling my hot water bottle which meant no P90 today for me. I'm feeling much better now, though, so the plan is to make it up tomorrow.
On the emotional front, I was talking to my 17 year old cousin tonight about my miscarriage. How is it that everything she said was the perfect response when grown women can get it so badly? I cannot be more grateful for her support and there have been very few people who have handled discussing my miscarriage with me as well as she did tonight.
This is a perfect example of why I'm so open about my miscarriage, though. At 17 she and her friends or sister haven't yet started trying for babies but chances are that in the future one of them will have a miscarriage or know someone who has one. If, heaven forbid, it's her then she'll know that I'm there to support her and know what she's going through.
I've been amazed by the amount of people that have told me that they've had a miscarriage when I had no idea. I can't imagine suffering this in silence, even on those occasions where you have a conversation with someone and they get every response "wrong", it's still comforting to know that at least they're trying to be supportive.
I am definitely feeling better. I think I just don't handle the two week wait very well! I've decided that I'm going to leave Facebook next Saturday, though. I know for certain that I will not be able to handle all the Mother's Day updates. :(
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
86.9 kgs
Loss from last week:
1.4 kgs
Total weight loss:
1.4kgs
So today was weigh-in day and I've lost 1.4kgs since Moday which I'm very happy about. Unfortunately I was suffering from The World's Worst Cramps™ so I stayed in bed doped up on Mersyndol and cuddling my hot water bottle which meant no P90 today for me. I'm feeling much better now, though, so the plan is to make it up tomorrow.
On the emotional front, I was talking to my 17 year old cousin tonight about my miscarriage. How is it that everything she said was the perfect response when grown women can get it so badly? I cannot be more grateful for her support and there have been very few people who have handled discussing my miscarriage with me as well as she did tonight.
This is a perfect example of why I'm so open about my miscarriage, though. At 17 she and her friends or sister haven't yet started trying for babies but chances are that in the future one of them will have a miscarriage or know someone who has one. If, heaven forbid, it's her then she'll know that I'm there to support her and know what she's going through.
I've been amazed by the amount of people that have told me that they've had a miscarriage when I had no idea. I can't imagine suffering this in silence, even on those occasions where you have a conversation with someone and they get every response "wrong", it's still comforting to know that at least they're trying to be supportive.
I am definitely feeling better. I think I just don't handle the two week wait very well! I've decided that I'm going to leave Facebook next Saturday, though. I know for certain that I will not be able to handle all the Mother's Day updates. :(
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Friday 4 May 2012
Power 90 W1D5 Day 5 Sculpt 1-2
May the Fourth be with you!
Okay, I did NOT want to work out this morning. I was tired and grumpy so I laid down on the couch while I was waiting for my husband to put P90 on. I said to him "I'll just lay here and watch you do it!", of course I was just joking so I got up and did my workout.
The workout wasn't too bad, though I'm not looking forward to switching up to the 3kg weights next week. I'm getting used to the persistent ache that comes with exercising every day again. I make grunts and groans any time I have to move, it's incredibly attractive!
I'm not sure how much of this workout I'll be able to do once I get pregnant, I guess push-ups will be fine till my belly gets in the way but I'm not overly sure about the sit-ups or Power Yoga in the cardio workout. Anyway, I guess that's something I'll have to worry about in the future and just work around it. :)
Okay, I did NOT want to work out this morning. I was tired and grumpy so I laid down on the couch while I was waiting for my husband to put P90 on. I said to him "I'll just lay here and watch you do it!", of course I was just joking so I got up and did my workout.
The workout wasn't too bad, though I'm not looking forward to switching up to the 3kg weights next week. I'm getting used to the persistent ache that comes with exercising every day again. I make grunts and groans any time I have to move, it's incredibly attractive!
I'm not sure how much of this workout I'll be able to do once I get pregnant, I guess push-ups will be fine till my belly gets in the way but I'm not overly sure about the sit-ups or Power Yoga in the cardio workout. Anyway, I guess that's something I'll have to worry about in the future and just work around it. :)
Thursday 3 May 2012
Why is this so hard?
It's been 5 1/2 weeks since my miscarriage and it still hurts so much. I cry all the time, the littlest things will set me off. Like the other day, I was in the lunch room at work and one of the girls who is pregnant was in there. I was dealing with that fine until someone else came in and started talking to her about her pregnancy at which point I muttered to my friend "I'm outta here." and left before I started crying which I do quietly at my desk quite often these days.
So many of my friends are pregnant that it's not funny. This includes one of my best friends whose pregnancy was about 3 weeks behind mine. I am so, so happy for her but hearing about her pregnancy all the time is killing me. I want to support her, though, because when I first got pregnant she was still dealing with the miscarriage she had in December so she knows how I feel. Also, she's amazing and I hope she knows that, too!
I am seriously considering leaving Facebook for awhile, though. Of those people I know who are pregnant quite a few of them are due in May/June. I'm even going to one of the births! As hard as that will be for me emotionally, I'm excited to support my friend and so honoured that she's asked me to share such a special event with her and her husband, like she says, I've still got a chance to get pregnant again before she gives birth! Here's hoping that watching her give birth doesn't scare me off having children altogether! ;)
One thing I am dreading is Saturday. That's when I have to go to Baby Bunting and pick up the nursery furniture that I put on lay-by. I couldn't bring myself to cancel it because it was such a good deal but having it sitting in the house is going to be torture. It's bad enough that I already have a bunch of baby stuff in there but having the cot will be so much more difficult even if it is boxed up.
So anyway, I hope that people can understand that when I don't comment or post on your baby things and don't want to be around children that much right now, it's not because I'm angry at you or annoyed at you or dislike you or are unhappy for you, it's just because I'm dying inside and want to be in my own, miserable world for awhile and not rub salt into my wounds or bring you down in any way with how I'm feeling.
I am coping right now...but only just. :-/
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So many of my friends are pregnant that it's not funny. This includes one of my best friends whose pregnancy was about 3 weeks behind mine. I am so, so happy for her but hearing about her pregnancy all the time is killing me. I want to support her, though, because when I first got pregnant she was still dealing with the miscarriage she had in December so she knows how I feel. Also, she's amazing and I hope she knows that, too!
I am seriously considering leaving Facebook for awhile, though. Of those people I know who are pregnant quite a few of them are due in May/June. I'm even going to one of the births! As hard as that will be for me emotionally, I'm excited to support my friend and so honoured that she's asked me to share such a special event with her and her husband, like she says, I've still got a chance to get pregnant again before she gives birth! Here's hoping that watching her give birth doesn't scare me off having children altogether! ;)
One thing I am dreading is Saturday. That's when I have to go to Baby Bunting and pick up the nursery furniture that I put on lay-by. I couldn't bring myself to cancel it because it was such a good deal but having it sitting in the house is going to be torture. It's bad enough that I already have a bunch of baby stuff in there but having the cot will be so much more difficult even if it is boxed up.
So anyway, I hope that people can understand that when I don't comment or post on your baby things and don't want to be around children that much right now, it's not because I'm angry at you or annoyed at you or dislike you or are unhappy for you, it's just because I'm dying inside and want to be in my own, miserable world for awhile and not rub salt into my wounds or bring you down in any way with how I'm feeling.
I am coping right now...but only just. :-/
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Power 90 W1D4 Day 4 Sweat 1-2
Today's workout was a bit of a mixed bag. We both felt better at the beginning but by the end I had *nothing* left in the tank. I was continuing on just by pure force of will to finish. It's not that I worked out that hard, I just didn't have anything left in me, zero energy!
Anyway, I still feel good that we're doing this again. Today is CD1 for those that understand the lingo. I'm devastated and briefly considered leaving Facebook again (which I still might do, maybe when I'm in the TWW). On the positive side, this means I can go hard with P90 for the 30 days we planned without worrying about doing any damage.
In other news, I've become a gum chewer! In between meals and snacks when I feel like eating something I'll pop in a piece of gum and chew that until my next meal. It's great, it's sugar free but because it tastes sweet and I'm doing something with my mouth, it tides me over and stops me from munching away on things I shouldn't. I'm also being incredibly strict about making sure I eat my snacks when I'm supposed to. I used to forget sometimes and then I'd get too hungry and eat some kind of crap. I'm also allowing myself a Pepsi Max at lunch and dinner to satisfy my sweet cravings but I can only have the one at lunch if I've drunk at least 2 litres of water by then.
All in all, I'm happy with my progress so far! :D
Anyway, I still feel good that we're doing this again. Today is CD1 for those that understand the lingo. I'm devastated and briefly considered leaving Facebook again (which I still might do, maybe when I'm in the TWW). On the positive side, this means I can go hard with P90 for the 30 days we planned without worrying about doing any damage.
In other news, I've become a gum chewer! In between meals and snacks when I feel like eating something I'll pop in a piece of gum and chew that until my next meal. It's great, it's sugar free but because it tastes sweet and I'm doing something with my mouth, it tides me over and stops me from munching away on things I shouldn't. I'm also being incredibly strict about making sure I eat my snacks when I'm supposed to. I used to forget sometimes and then I'd get too hungry and eat some kind of crap. I'm also allowing myself a Pepsi Max at lunch and dinner to satisfy my sweet cravings but I can only have the one at lunch if I've drunk at least 2 litres of water by then.
All in all, I'm happy with my progress so far! :D
Wednesday 2 May 2012
Power 90 W1D3 Day 3 Sculpt 1-2
Well...we are halfway through week one's workouts! Woohoo! It's funny, my diet has been a lot better since Monday, I've always found that when you're working out it's easier to eat healthy because you don't want to undo your good work. I've decided to allow myself one cheat meal on Saturday...ONE. It'll stop me from going insane and also help to keep my metabolism burning.
As for today's workout, my thighs are still on fire from Monday so all the squats and lunges were hell. I still had to do all the push-ups on my knees and I'm still on the 2kg weights to ease myself into it but I'll definitely be switching to 3kg from next week. I can't believe I was doing all the push-ups on my toes, all the chair dips with my feet out and using 5kg and 4kg weights. Oh well, I'll get there! :)
As for today's workout, my thighs are still on fire from Monday so all the squats and lunges were hell. I still had to do all the push-ups on my knees and I'm still on the 2kg weights to ease myself into it but I'll definitely be switching to 3kg from next week. I can't believe I was doing all the push-ups on my toes, all the chair dips with my feet out and using 5kg and 4kg weights. Oh well, I'll get there! :)
Tuesday 1 May 2012
Power 90 W1D2 Day 2 Sweat 1-2
Once again I am struck by how out of shape I am. I could BARELY struggle through Power Yoga, my husband gave up after the first "set" and I kept going but only just. It certainly wasn't pretty! After that I did all of the exercises with the modifications just so I could keep going and even the kicks and punches (which used to be super easy because of taekwon-do) were painful. I hope this gets better...
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