Where I stand now as opposed to 29 weeks and 3 days pregnant...

I was uncertain if I should blog tonight, I'm feeling a bit emotional but I suppose if one can't write an emo blog and post it online then what is the world coming to? I've been feeling surprisingly okay in the last few weeks. As I said to my secret twin, every day that goes by it gets that little bit easier to deal with the miscarriage but that little bit harder to deal with not being pregnant yet. That being said, some things have changed in the last couple of weeks which have changed my frame of mind but I'll get to that in time.

The title of this post is something of a misnomer. I actually rarely check how far along in my pregnancy I would be these days which is probably a good thing. I definitely spent a lot of time obsessing over those dates in the first couple of months after the miscarriage. I do think that I have been a bit depressed over the last few months, friends have definitely expressed their concern and suggested that I seek some kind of counselling (as has my husband) but I didn't feel that I needed it. I just needed to be able to talk to someone, anyone, about how I was feeling without them suggesting that. I know that sounds like I needed to talk to a counsellor but I didn't want that, I just wanted to feel like I could talk openly with the people I loved about the way I felt without being "judged".

This all came to a head a few weeks ago. My secret twin (who has been amazing in not rubbing her pregnancy in my face, so to speak) sent me a text saying that she and another friend who was pregnant were out together and heard "MMMBop" playing on the radio. I responded with a snarky text and she finally let me have it. She said all of the things that I needed to hear and thank goodness she did. I also had a heart to heart with a close friend (whose baby I saw get born in May, I still need to write that blog!) and she had said some of the same things but it was the slap in the face from my secret twin that finally made me pull my socks up.

I realised that I needed to stop dwelling on the future that I could've had and focus on the one that I have now. I needed to stop taking every little thing to heart and relating it to what happened. So I took a step back and thought about what I really wanted. Yes, I still want to get pregnant but I also want to stay sane. So I've decided to focus more on myself and my health again. We're going to stop trying to get pregnant but we won't use contraception, either. If it happens, it happens but a part of me doesn't actually want it to happen just yet. My 30th birthday is in January and I'm planning to have a kickass party with a mechanical bull and slushy cocktails...not exactly a pregnancy-friendly occasion!

So we're back into dieting and exercise. I waited to post until we'd done it longer than a week this time! My current health kick started when my (stay with me here) husband's cousin's fiancé, T, invited me to come to a pole dancing class with her. It's something I'd wanted to do for years but never had the guts to go on my own and didn't want to be the "fat girl" in the class so I wanted to lose weight first...which was a bit silly. We went to our first class last week and it was awesome, I absolutely loved it! It's a six week course and we're also booked in to do a one off 2 hour lap-dancing class this Friday night and on Saturday I start a six week aerial silks course which I'm also excited about!

What's funny is that my upper body strength has been my major weakness in my adult life and both the pole dancing and aerial silks rely on it so much. I don't know if that's because my arms were so strong when I was a kid doing gymnastics that they atrophied worse than the other muscles once I stopped using them as much. Unlike your leg muscles, your arm muscles just don't get that kind of use unless you're doing exercise (that is to say, they're not used to support your entire body weight unless you walk around on your hands!). I'm looking forward to getting some arm strength back again though, one of my goals is to be able to do a press handstand. That video is actually for a yoga version but when I was looking on YouTube for videos to show what I was talking about, I was so thoroughly impressed by her repeating the move that I had to link that one! I used to be able to do it when I was a gymnast and getting the kind of arm strength where I can do it again is one of my big goals!

Aside from that, we started doing Lite 'N Easy last Saturday. I know, I know, it's a cop out and I own a Thermomix but this is about losing weight, not convenience (though I won't deny, it's a bonus). We also started doing Power 90 again, this time we're doing it in the evenings with me switching out one cardio session for pole dancing, though it'll be two this week with lap dancing included. We're finding so far that this is working for us. Neither of us is a morning person so doing it in the evening and then being able to just heat up our Lite 'N Easy dinners is really working out well for us, plus exercising helps to get rid of the stress of the day.

Anyway, I started this post almost 3 hours ago (I got distracted by a friend on Skype in the middle of writing it!) and now it's 11:55pm so I'm going to post this now and scurry off to bed before today becomes tomorrow! :D

The things that amuse me...

(Click to enhance)

Mexican Meatballs,

Dessert is going to be an issue. Perhaps a trip to HT is required or maybe L4. You will need to liaise with Apricot Chicken on this matter. It is of utmost importance that this missive does not fall into the wrong hands.

Take care.

P.S. The red robin flies at midnight.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Greetings from Crazytown!

So if you're looking for proof that TTC is making me crazy, we officially have it. Some girls on the forums were talking about some "fertility readings" they were having done. I have never once in my life thought to consult a psychic for anything. I've always felt that whatever is going to happen will happen and I'd rather not know when things are going to occur and quite frankly, I didn't hold with such nonsense. My desire to get pregnant again apparently outweighs my sanity because when I heard about it, I promptly sent off requests for readings from "JennyRenny" and "Cheri22". Today I got the following response from Jenny Renny:

"Your reading reveals that your BFP news comes the end of June/beginning of July from a cycle that began in June.  The baby shows as a boy and his EDD/birth date is referenced the month of March 2013 - specific reference to the 9th and 7th."

Now, before she gives the prediction, she asks for some information. That being my DOB, DH's DOB, when my current cycle started, how long my cycles usually are and any previous pregnancies. My first reaction to this "reading" was to haul out my Inner Skeptic to say that I could easily have plugged these dates into an EDD calculator myself and come up with these results, another part of me was whooping with joy and hoping that she's right. I feel better since a friend told me that the one she got done by Jenny Renny said July so obviously she doesn't just tell everyone it's going to happen straight away.

It remains to be seen as to whether this prediction will hold true but needless to say, I hope it does. It'll be interesting to see if Cheri's prediction matches Jenny's and also if hers is correct as well.

As for my sanity, I guess it goes without saying that it left the building quite awhile ago. Maybe one day it will return but until then life is sweet in Crazytown! Wish you were here!

Secret assignations...

This came to me via a secret internal mail envelope dropped anonymously on my desk. Totally made my day!




- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Just when you think you're totally alone in this world...

...it turns out, you're not. Since I wrote yesterday's blog, I got a few unexpected messages of support from "my girls". I had a good, long chat with my secret twin last night. After posting yesterday I really wanted to make the effort to talk to her. It was great catching up but I will admit that I cried for the rest of the train ride home after we got off the phone. Then I picked myself up, dusted myself off and read my Fifty Shades Freed book for the bus ride home.

So I guess now I'm just looking forward to the 1st of July. New financial year, maybe a BFP for me. It would be fitting, my whole life revolves around financial years so this would be perfect for me. Isn't it crazy how we look for "signs"? Things that might indicate that this is why something will or won't happen. Realistically, if it happens, it happens and if it doesn't, it doesn't.

I'm trying to stop focusing on what "should have" been. I think it's getting easier as my former pregnancy ticks on without me or my baby with it. I can't imagine either of us at 20 weeks pregnant, though I can imagine in painful detail how happy my husband and I would be at the 20 week scan with my Mum and mother-in-law in tow. Sometimes I will remember with horrible clarity the feeling of being in that hospital and I relive my miscarriage over and over again.

A part of me feels guilty because I don't feel like I loved my baby enough. From the time I had that scan and my baby measured small with such a low heartbeat, I didn't really connect to the pregnancy. When I miscarried, I was just numb. My heart breaks thinking about how happy I was during the beginning of my pregnancy compared to how I feel now.

Wow, I have gotten carried away with this blog, I'm sitting here and typing with tears streaming down my face when I had originally been planning to write an upbeat entry! So anyway yes, this is why I'm trying not to focus on where I should have been but on where I am and where I'm going.

Which brings me back to a more positive note, my friend is going to lend me her elliptical machine. I told her I was thinking of buying one and she offered to lend me hers for a month. If I actually like it and use it, I'll buy it off her. If I don't then no harm done. I'm also seriously thinking about returning to taekwon-do, I do miss it and she made a very attractive proposition in regards to my training to make it worth my while and less scary to return while TTC and possibly UTD.

So that's my plan. Focus on the future. Focus on my fitness and health. I might be broken but it turns out I'm not totally defective after all.

19 weeks and 4 days

Well I've officially been not pregnant longer than I was pregnant and I feel like I'm slipping away again. I can feel it happening but I either can't or won't stop it. I've stopped replying to texts and emails as quickly. If you call me, I forget to call back. Janet from love is blonde calls it "hibernating" and in some ways it is. I don't miss Facebook at all and I'm sad that I no longer get to chat to "my girls" in the Facebook group but I've gotten a few lovely texts and emails from a few of them which is nice. They all have every right to be happy about their pregnancies, their babies and their children. I'm the one with the issue which is why I've removed myself from the situation. They don't need me bringing them down when they have nothing to be sad about.

Obviously it goes without saying that AF arrived over the long weekend. I'm doing my best to try and stop obsessing over pregnancy and babies. I worry that by the time I finally get pregnant, I will have put too much distance between me and my secret twin to gain back the closeness we once had. She called me on the weekend and I didn't call back. I assured myself that her pregnancy is going fine when she rang (she has had some medical issues in her pregnancy) and then I put it to the back of my brain and forgot to call back later. It's selfish of me but I hope she understands.

Another close friend has told me that this blog is the only way that she gets an insight into my mind anymore. In fact, she's the reason I'm even writing this. I'd happily hibernate away from here too. I always feel better after I write here, though. There's something about writing to everyone and to no one at the same time that is soothing.

I had a good, long cry to myself on Saturday while Damien was at work. I honestly don't know how people TTC for years and years, I hate it already and it's only been six months, three cycles and one miscarriage since we started. I hate the hope that you get for two weeks that this could possibly be the month, only to have it shattered by the arrival of AF. Then you get two weeks to deal with that, two boring weeks where you can't actively do anything towards getting pregnant but wait for O to happen and then the hope starts again.

I feel like I'm broken. I don't work right anymore and the only thing that will fix me is being pregnant again. Until then I'm just trying to function at bare minimum capacity to keep everything going until I'm repaired so that nothing else breaks in the meantime.

I saw the most amazing thing...

So much has happened since my last post. I’m in a much better place right now. As the title said, I saw the most amazing thing, the birth of baby Eleni Jade. She is so beautiful. I’m committed to writing a “birth story” from my third party perspective which I’ll post in the next week. It’s funny, I was supposed to attend the birth of my niece in 2010 but she was born in the 36 hours I was out of the state for a taekwon-do tournament. My sister-in-law always said to me that if I saw someone give birth then I would never want to do it. To be honest, I was a little bit scared that she would be right. I forgot that whenever I have to do something I’m scared of, I always say “you do it first!” because after I see someone else do it, I find it easier to do it too.

Personally, I’m now of the belief that every “first timer” should try and attend a birth. I guess, though, that it would only be if you were attending the birth of someone as amazing as K. We had talked quite a bit before the birth, I’d read her birth plan and like me, she was very pro-natural birth. I’ll leave the details for the birth story but when the time came, there was nothing scary about it. K was in control the whole time and while she was undoubtedly in a lot of pain, she vocalised it and dealt with it. I haven’t been scared off childbirth at all, in fact I’m more than ready for it.

Reading a million pregnancy books couldn’t have prepared me for the real thing as much as seeing it live did. I remember being amazed by my nephew and my niece as babies but when I had newborn cuddles with baby Eleni a mere two hours after she was born (I was the first person after Mum and Dad to hold her!), I don’t think I’ve ever been more amazed. Even last night, a week later, I visited and had cuddles and was still so taken away by her. I literally just stared at her as I held her for almost an hour. I can’t even imagine how it will feel when the baby is mine, when I’m the one who has carried and birthed them. They’re not wrong when they call it “the miracle of birth” because it truly is miraculous!

So…I guess that bring us back to our TTC journey. Due to Eleni’s unfortunately-timed-but-nonetheless-amazing birth, we didn’t actually DTD on the day I O’d…which was the day E was born. We did DTD the day before and had been following the SMEP of doing it every other day so we’re still in with a chance. Testing day is Friday, the 1st of June. So far no symptoms other than what I normally have and I don’t feel pregnant. I’m trying (and failing) to not get my hopes up. A part of me is convinced that I’ll get the “Not Pregnant” on my ClearBlue Digital test on Friday morning but a larger part thinks it’ll say “Pregnant”. I’m trying to beat that part into submission right now because I can’t deal with the devastating fallout if I’m not pregnant and I haven’t already killed my hopes.

Speaking of beating things into submission, I’m halfway through the Fifty Shades series. Interesting, very interesting. *fans self*

That awkward moment...

…when your Uncle walks into the lingerie store to deliver a package as a courier while you’re in the process of buying sexy underwear because your CBFM told you to do the deed tonight!

How embarrassing! ;)

Incommunicado

So I went down to Bunbury on the weekend. It was difficult, that’s for sure. So many things reminded me of the miscarriage I had when I was down there last. On a positive note, my new car was fantastic to drive, it was so enjoyable. I was frustrated on Friday night because I left work early enough that I should’ve been able to drive down there while we still had sunlight but alas, it had been decided that I would take one of my cousins with me. By 5pm he was only just leaving home and then he got on the wrong train line so we only ended up leaving Perth around 6:30pm which meant most of the drive was done in the dark. It certainly wasn’t as bad a drive as it used to be now that the Freeway goes the whole way to Bunbury, though.

When we got there, we had a great time playing Skip-Bo with Nanna before going to bed. The next day we went shopping in the morning before coming home and just relaxing until my Aunt and Uncle showed up with the rest of my cousins. My secret twin made her pregnancy announcement on Facebook on Saturday and commenting on that was the last thing I did before deactivating my Facebook account and going incommunicado. On Sunday I pretty much hibernated. I skipped going to church because I knew the service would be focused on mothers.

All in all, it was great having my Mum and my Aunt around. My Aunt lost a baby at 15 weeks before she had her first and my Mum lost twins at 26 weeks before she had her first so they both knew exactly how I was feeling. The desire to have a baby being so forceful and the fear of not ever having one.

I still haven’t reset my pregnancy app. I should’ve been 16 weeks and 3 days today. I have another one that says I’m 1 week and 5 days which is where I’m at in my current cycle otherwise known as CD12. Still waiting to ovulate, still hoping against hope that it happens this month. There’s no reason for it not to happen really but that gnawing fear gets at me sometimes. What if we were just lucky last time? What if it’s going to take months or years to get pregnant? I can’t handle that.

I just hope it happens soon. For my mental health’s sake I need it to happen soon.

My secret twin

I’m just fully of bloggy goodness today, aren’t I? I want to tell you guys about my secret twin. She lives in Melbourne and the parallels between our lives are just downright scary. Our husbands have the same name, we were born in the same year, we both have one brother 3.5 years older than us and now we’re both driving 2008 ex-Coca Cola Ravs. The list goes on and on, right down to the fact that we even have the same exact shade of crappy not-brown yet non-blonde hair.

The one place where we have differed is in our journey of trying to conceive, unfortunately she tried for two years before finding out she needed to have IVF which was partially why I had myself convinced that my husband and I would need IVF too. Here’s where we begin to parallel one another again, though, after four cycles of IVF and on her first cycle of a fresh batch of eggs she got pregnant only to lose her baby at 6 weeks (I hope she doesn’t mind me linking but you can read about it here). We didn’t need IVF which is the big difference, we got pregnant in our first cycle trying only to lose our baby at 9 weeks. She had to wait a long cycle that was 9 weeks long to try again, we had to wait a long cycle that was 6 weeks long before we could try again. She then got pregnant on that cycle so if we get pregnant this cycle we’ll be back in alignment. If we’d both kept our babies, I would’ve been four months behind her in my pregnancy, if I get pregnant this cycle I’ll be back to being four months behind her in my pregnancy.

When I first got pregnant we would talk every day for hours about my pregnancy. At the time I had no idea how much this must have killed her. My newly pregnant self was smug in her assuredness that nothing would go wrong. I was sure that everything was going to be perfect and when she got pregnant meaning that she would be due in the same month as me I was ecstatic, sure that everything was going to come up roses but alas it wasn’t meant to be.

Unlike my secret twin, I couldn’t bear to hear her updates on her pregnancy. Where she had been able to listen to me blabber on for hours about how excited I was, I pulled away from her. I have never actively avoided her calls or interacting with her but I certainly didn’t ask her about her pregnancy the way she had with me. So I’ve found that that’s where we differ. As alike as we may be, she is a far, far nicer person than me. I’m so glad that I have her in my life and I’m writing this post so that she knows this.

There are so many people in my life that I am grateful for. People who support me when I’m having a rough time like these last two months. I could write a blog about each and every one of them, there are definitely a few that come to mind immediately like the friend who emails me every day and even lent me her car when mine broke down, the friend who called me from America as soon she heard about my miscarriage even though she was on a holiday but here’s a more recent example. I posted that last post of mine on Facebook earlier. Straight away I got the loveliest message from (try and stay with me here) my husband’s cousin’s girlfriend asking me if I want to hang out next week for some girly time because I sounded like I needed it. With people like this is my life I know that I will make it through this even though sometimes it’s still incredibly hard teetering on the edge of that pit.

So I am normal...

 ...just when I'd begun to think I might be sliding off the deep end with my inability to cope, I found this gem on Wikipedia. The last paragraph in particular fits to a tee. While I'm incredibly happy for all my pregnant friends and those with children, seeing their updates is sometimes like pouring salt on an open wound.

From Wikipedia:

Although a woman physically recovers from a spontaneous abortion quickly, in general, psychological recovery for parents may take a long time. People differ greatly in this regard: some are able to move on after a few months, but others take more than a year. Still others may feel relief or other less negative emotions. A questionnaire (GHQ-12 General Health Questionnaire) study following women having aborted showed that half (55%) of them presented with significant psychological distress immediately, 25% at 3 months; 18% at 6 months, and 11% at 1 year after miscarriage.

Besides the feeling of loss, a lack of understanding by others is often important. People who have not experienced it themselves may find it difficult to empathize with what has occurred, and how upsetting it may be. This may lead to unrealistic expectations of the parents' recovery. The pregnancy and the abortion cease to be mentioned in conversations, often because the subject is too painful. This may make the woman feel particularly isolated. Inappropriate or insensitive responses from the medical professionals can add to the distress and trauma experienced, so in some cases attempts have been made to draw up a standard code of practice.

Often interaction with pregnant women and newborn children is painful for parents who have experienced spontaneous abortion. Sometimes this makes interaction with friends, acquaintances, and family very difficult.

The bottomless pit of despair

Today I am definitely having a down day. I can’t explain why, there’s no particular reason. I keep thinking about where I should’ve been in my pregnancy. It’s not healthy, you don’t have to tell me, I know. It’s just hard to accept that I have to give up that dream. Or at the very least, that it’s been delayed. I mean, obviously it has, my brain knows that but my heart just keeps telling me that it shouldn’t be that way.

I heard a story this morning from a friend whose friend gave birth to a full term baby that was just over 5 pounds. Why was the baby so small? Because the mother smoked the entire way through the pregnancy. It just makes me so furious that people can be so utterly selfish and yet have essentially a healthy baby. It’s not fair.

I’ve been trying to think of a way to explain how I feel. It’s as though I’m teetering on the edge of a bottomless pit of despair. Some days I can stand comfortably at the edge of it, it’s still there but I’m feeling okay. Other days like today it’s as though I’m slipping in. I always manage to keep hold of a rope of sanity to stop myself truly falling in but while I’m dangling in that pit I can give in to my grief. I can cry, I can think “why me?” and I can compare where I should’ve been to where I am.

I know, of course, that how I’m feeling is a passing phase but I think that dangling in the pit sometimes is a way for me to cope and those down days all lead me one day closer to a brighter future. I will feel better in time, although I don’t think that I will truly be “fixed” until I’m pregnant again. Who knows, maybe that’ll happen this month. It’s stupid, I should be comforted by the fact that we got pregnant but I’m back to being concerned that my husband and I are going to have fertility issues. I guess when you want something so very badly, it’s easy to have irrational fears about it never happening.

Uh, whoops?

Oh dear…well this is embarrassing. We couldn’t even keep up exercising for a full week, let alone a month! The only good thing is that I haven’t faltered with my diet at all. I’m still eating healthily just not exercising at the moment. I don’t have any excuse, we just have been waking up late and by the time we get home from work we’re both shattered and don’t feel like exercising. It’s a shame because when I do exercise, I feel so much better. I’m feeling very upset with myself and with my husband.

In other news, we heard from the car dealership yesterday and my old car is finally fixed and is going to cost much less than expected with Holden covering the majority of the repairs. At the same time we heard from another dealership that can sell it on consignment. It'll cost $300 to sell it and we’ll get a lot, lot more for it than we would’ve if we’d traded it in. All in all, I was pretty happy about that.

*** WARNING ***

From this point on in this blog, I’m going to double it as a TTC/pregnancy journal. It goes without saying that anything written here shouldn’t be posted on my FB if you’re friends with me there and also, if you’re uncomfortable with terms like EWCM this might not be the blog for you to be reading lol. Also, I reserve the right to write a whole bunch of posts and save them to post after I safely reach 12 weeks in my next pregnancy! ;)

*** END WARNING ***

On the emotional front, I’m feeling a lot better. I’ve learnt that I do not deal with the TWW very well at all. I hope and pray that I get pregnant again soon because it’s messing with my mind. I’ve got my Clear Blue Fertility Monitor (CBFM) locked and loaded (the month we got pregnant we only DTD on the two days it showed “peak fertility”) and we’re prepared with the Sperm Meets Egg Plan (SMEP) as well. I did have a giggle this morning when I did my CBFM test and it told me I had “low fertility”…I’m CD6 and still have remnants of AF hanging around so I never would’ve guessed! ;)

Power 90 W1D6 Day 6 Rest Day

Weight:
86.9 kgs
Loss from last week:
1.4 kgs
Total weight loss:
1.4kgs
So today was weigh-in day and I've lost 1.4kgs since Moday which I'm very happy about. Unfortunately I was suffering from The World's Worst Cramps™ so I stayed in bed doped up on Mersyndol and cuddling my hot water bottle which meant no P90 today for me. I'm feeling much better now, though, so the plan is to make it up tomorrow.
On the emotional front, I was talking to my 17 year old cousin tonight about my miscarriage. How is it that everything she said was the perfect response when grown women can get it so badly? I cannot be more grateful for her support and there have been very few people who have handled discussing my miscarriage with me as well as she did tonight.
This is a perfect example of why I'm so open about my miscarriage, though. At 17 she and her friends or sister haven't yet started trying for babies but chances are that in the future one of them will have a miscarriage or know someone who has one. If, heaven forbid, it's her then she'll know that I'm there to support her and know what she's going through.
I've been amazed by the amount of people that have told me that they've had a miscarriage when I had no idea. I can't imagine suffering this in silence, even on those occasions where you have a conversation with someone and they get every response "wrong", it's still comforting to know that at least they're trying to be supportive.
I am definitely feeling better. I think I just don't handle the two week wait very well! I've decided that I'm going to leave Facebook next Saturday, though. I know for certain that I will not be able to handle all the Mother's Day updates. :(
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Power 90 W1D5 Day 5 Sculpt 1-2

May the Fourth be with you!

Okay, I did NOT want to work out this morning. I was tired and grumpy so I laid down on the couch while I was waiting for my husband to put P90 on. I said to him "I'll just lay here and watch you do it!", of course I was just joking so I got up and did my workout.
The workout wasn't too bad, though I'm not looking forward to switching up to the 3kg weights next week. I'm getting used to the persistent ache that comes with exercising every day again. I make grunts and groans any time I have to move, it's incredibly attractive!
I'm not sure how much of this workout I'll be able to do once I get pregnant, I guess push-ups will be fine till my belly gets in the way but I'm not overly sure about the sit-ups or Power Yoga in the cardio workout. Anyway, I guess that's something I'll have to worry about in the future and just work around it. :)

Why is this so hard?

It's been 5 1/2 weeks since my miscarriage and it still hurts so much. I cry all the time, the littlest things will set me off. Like the other day, I was in the lunch room at work and one of the girls who is pregnant was in there. I was dealing with that fine until someone else came in and started talking to her about her pregnancy at which point I muttered to my friend "I'm outta here." and left before I started crying which I do quietly at my desk quite often these days.

So many of my friends are pregnant that it's not funny. This includes one of my best friends whose pregnancy was about 3 weeks behind mine. I am so, so happy for her but hearing about her pregnancy all the time is killing me. I want to support her, though, because when I first got pregnant she was still dealing with the miscarriage she had in December so she knows how I feel. Also, she's amazing and I hope she knows that, too!

I am seriously considering leaving Facebook for awhile, though. Of those people I know who are pregnant quite a few of them are due in May/June. I'm even going to one of the births! As hard as that will be for me emotionally, I'm excited to support my friend and so honoured that she's asked me to share such a special event with her and her husband, like she says, I've still got a chance to get pregnant again before she gives birth! Here's hoping that watching her give birth doesn't scare me off having children altogether! ;)

One thing I am dreading is Saturday. That's when I have to go to Baby Bunting and pick up the nursery furniture that I put on lay-by. I couldn't bring myself to cancel it because it was such a good deal but having it sitting in the house is going to be torture. It's bad enough that I already have a bunch of baby stuff in there but having the cot will be so much more difficult even if it is boxed up.

So anyway, I hope that people can understand that when I don't comment or post on your baby things and don't want to be around children that much right now, it's not because I'm angry at you or annoyed at you or dislike you or are unhappy for you, it's just because I'm dying inside and want to be in my own, miserable world for awhile and not rub salt into my wounds or bring you down in any way with how I'm feeling.

I am coping right now...but only just. :-/

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Power 90 W1D4 Day 4 Sweat 1-2

Today's workout was a bit of a mixed bag. We both felt better at the beginning but by the end I had *nothing* left in the tank. I was continuing on just by pure force of will to finish. It's not that I worked out that hard, I just didn't have anything left in me, zero energy!

Anyway, I still feel good that we're doing this again. Today is CD1 for those that understand the lingo. I'm devastated and briefly considered leaving Facebook again (which I still might do, maybe when I'm in the TWW). On the positive side, this means I can go hard with P90 for the 30 days we planned without worrying about doing any damage.

In other news, I've become a gum chewer! In between meals and snacks when I feel like eating something I'll pop in a piece of gum and chew that until my next meal. It's great, it's sugar free but because it tastes sweet and I'm doing something with my mouth, it tides me over and stops me from munching away on things I shouldn't. I'm also being incredibly strict about making sure I eat my snacks when I'm supposed to. I used to forget sometimes and then I'd get too hungry and eat some kind of crap. I'm also allowing myself a Pepsi Max at lunch and dinner to satisfy my sweet cravings but I can only have the one at lunch if I've drunk at least 2 litres of water by then.

All in all, I'm happy with my progress so far! :D

Power 90 W1D3 Day 3 Sculpt 1-2

Well...we are halfway through week one's workouts! Woohoo! It's funny, my diet has been a lot better since Monday, I've always found that when you're working out it's easier to eat healthy because you don't want to undo your good work. I've decided to allow myself one cheat meal on Saturday...ONE. It'll stop me from going insane and also help to keep my metabolism burning.

As for today's workout, my thighs are still on fire from Monday so all the squats and lunges were hell. I still had to do all the push-ups on my knees and I'm still on the 2kg weights to ease myself into it but I'll definitely be switching to 3kg from next week. I can't believe I was doing all the push-ups on my toes, all the chair dips with my feet out and using 5kg and 4kg weights. Oh well, I'll get there! :)

Power 90 W1D2 Day 2 Sweat 1-2

Once again I am struck by how out of shape I am. I could BARELY struggle through Power Yoga, my husband gave up after the first "set" and I kept going but only just. It certainly wasn't pretty! After that I did all of the exercises with the modifications just so I could keep going and even the kicks and punches (which used to be super easy because of taekwon-do) were painful. I hope this gets better...

Power 90 W1D1 Day 1 Sculpt 1-2

Weight: 88.3kgs

Ow, ow, ow. And more ow. Considering I only used 2kg weights today, you wouldn't think I would hurt this much! I'm in so much pain you wouldn't believe it! My thighs are killing me, all those squats and lunges are painful. I did all the push-ups on my knees. I cannot believe how out of shape I am. Our goals are a lot less lofty these days, my husband and I have agreed that we're not aiming for 90 days this time, we're aiming for a measly 30 days. After that we can aim for 60 days. The big thing is that if I get pregnant I need to continue exercising, even if I modify the exercises and only use light weights.
Another painful thing? Look at that reset ticker up there! 88.3kgs? Ugh. I am disgusted with myself. Nonetheless, moving onwards and upwards. It's a new day and hopefully at Saturday's weigh-in I'll weigh less than 88kgs...see? My goals are SO not as lofty as they once were! ;)

This really happened... *** Warning: Slightly graphic ***

...I really had a miscarriage. I wanted to write this down while it's fresh in my memory because as hard as it is, I don't want to forget it. I had little doubt when I peed on that stick that I would be pregnant. My Grandad had passed away and I knew that I was so close to him that only I would conceive a baby on the day of his death. It was a small bit of comfort to get me through his funeral knowing that I was pregnant. If it was a boy, I was going to give him the middle name of William which was Grandad's middle name.

At 7 weeks, the day after I got back from a trip to Melbourne, we had our first scan. We saw our little baby with its heartbeat. The baby measured small, only 5 weeks and 6 days and had a low heartbeat of 68bpm but it was there. That was on the Tuesday, on the Friday I freaked out and organised another scan which both my DH and the doctor talked me out of doing. The doctor said that a scan wouldn't do anything, if a miscarriage was going to happen then a scan wouldn't stop it.

I had started to feel better. I had bleeding at 4 weeks, just a tiny amount, nothing to be concerned about. It happened again at 8 weeks. I told myself that it was just because my body had been expecting to have a period. I travelled down to Bunbury with my friend Richy and my parents, we had so much fun on the way down and I made lots of jokes about being pregnant.

My Aunty Phyllis and Uncle Warren were down here with Nanna and I told Nanna in secret that I was pregnant because I still wasn't ready to tell everyone since I was only just 9 weeks. I'd planned to tell my cousin Alicia who was about 4 weeks further along in her pregnancy than me while I was down here.

That night when I went to bed, I had some bleeding. It was different to the other bleeding, still light but I just knew it was different. When I woke up at 1am, I went to the toilet and discovered that I had bleeding that was more like a period bleed. I told Mum that I needed to go to the hospital and she went and got Aunty Phyllis who is a nurse. She told her that she thought I might be having a miscarriage and Aunty Phyllis's response was "are you sure she's pregnant?" because she'd had no idea I was!

Aunty Phyllis was amazing and drove us without a second thought to the hospital. So I was bundled into the car and considered myself lucky because here in Bunbury I'm 5 minutes from the hospital as opposed to 30 minutes in Perth. I was admitted to the emergency department and the doctor did a speculum examination to check my cervix and for clots. I need to add here that I was terrified. A close friend of mine had told me about her miscarriage at 6 weeks in which she passed a clot into the toilet that she had to scoop up and take in a jar to the hospital for them to look at, it was her baby. I knew that I wasn't strong enough to do that.

After the examination the doctor told me that my cervix was closed which was a good sign and that she'd cleared out a clot that was there. She told me that I would have an ultrasound at 8am but to go home and come back if the bleeding got worse or I was feeling dizzy or cramping, etc.

We left the hospital just after 3am. I got about 40 minutes of sleep before I went to the toilet and passed quite a large clot. By this time I'd started to have cramping that was so painful I had begun to feel sick and I begged Mum to take me to the hospital again. We woke Dad and he drove us again to the hospital. I explained what happened and they said they would keep me there until my scan in the morning.

I was given two Panadeine Forte but the pain was still so intense that I was given a Morphine shot as well which allowed me to doze off and on. The doctors and nurses were absolutely fantastic, they never said to me "you're having a miscarriage", they would say "what do you know about the situation?". At one point when the day nurse, Sue, changed my pad she told me that there was about a 20 cent piece sized clot. When she came back she gently told me that the doctor had looked at it and thought that it looked like it was indeed part of the pregnancy sac. The doctor, Niamh, came and told me that I was quite probably having a miscarriage from what she'd seen and that they would need to see if there was anything left of the pregnancy on the ultrasound to see if I needed an operation to clear out the rest of the pregnancy.

8am came and went without a scan but just before 9am Sue came with a jug of water and told me I needed to drink a glass every 5-10 minutes because my scan would be at 9:30am. We worked out that it was a litre of water that I drank. By the time 9:30am rolled around, I was in agony. I had sat up on the bed and was arching my back forward. I had pain in my stomach and back that I had never felt before. I begged Mum to go ask them when my scan would be because I had to pee and I couldn't handle this pain. I told her that I needed to get off the bed and stand up because that's what had helped with the bladder pain at my previous ultrasound. A different nurse came and said they had been going to give me another shot of Morphine but I just asked her to drop the side of the bed so I could stand.

As I got off the bed I felt a gush between my legs. I told Mum that I'd either just passed a mass of blood or urine and the pain intensified to the point that I couldn't even stand upright. I was leaned over the bed in so much pain that I once again felt nauseous. The nurse told us that my scan had been moved to 10:30am because they were doing a long scan and that I could go empty my bladder and start again.

Mum and the nurse both had to help me to the toilet. I took tiny steps and was still hunched over, holding on to both of their arms. When we got to the toilet, I told Mum I needed her to come in with me. I took down my pants and told her that I needed her to check the pad because I couldn't look. I feel both relieved and guilty that I did this because Mum took one look and started crying. She told me not to look and left the room to go get Sue. I sat on the toilet and look anywhere but down, I kept repeating to myself "what has been seen cannot be unseen". I knew that I did not want to have that image in my head because I would not be able to deal with it.

Mum told me later that when she saw it, she felt a massive rush of love for "the blob on my pad" and she just thought "that's my grandchild". It turned out that I had passed the entire baby in one hit. Mum has been incredibly affected by this because my mantra was true and she can never unsee what she saw in that toilet.

I went back to my hospital bed and we started again with the water, it was so different to the first time. We went and had the scan where the ultrasound technician told me that unfortunately there was no sign at all of a pregnancy in my uterus. I was actually glad about this because I really didn't want to go under general anaesthetic to have the D&C. There was no pain in my bladder and I held my pee with no concerns, I didn't even need to go until about 15 minutes after the scan was done.

Shortly after I was wheeled back to the emergency department, I was released to go home. That was it. In a 24 hour period, I had gone from being pregnant to not being pregnant. As I was walking out of the hospital, a woman was walking in who was heavily pregnant and that hit me hard.

You might wonder why I chose to share this on such a public place as Facebook but in December a friend of mine had a miscarriage and she wrote a blog about it, I was glad I had read it because at least I had some idea of what was going to happen. Also, in recent times I have found out that there are a few friends who have been through miscarriages that I didn't know about. I thought that if people could read this, they would know what people go through when they lose a baby. Maybe it'll help you to support a friend or maybe someone on my Facebook will have a miscarriage one day and they'll know that I'm here to support them and I know what they're going through.

I don't think it really hit me about what happened until this morning when I woke up. Yesterday still seems like a bad dream and I'm crying while I type this. I feel so empty and I still can't believe that come November, I won't be holding my baby. :'(

Speech for Grandad's funeral

This is the speech that I wrote and read out at Grandad's funeral. RIP Grandad. :'(

After Grandad passed away, I asked if I could speak at the funeral and I feel honoured to be able to speak here today. I could stand up here and talk about Grandad for hours, partially because he was such an amazing man and I have so many fantastic memories of him but mostly because I really am my grandfather's granddaughter!

When you're a child, your parents are all-knowing but it's your grandparents who are your real heroes, not only do they know everything but they spoil you rotten as well. As children, Jared and I had the pleasure of spending a lot of time with Grandad, we lived with Nanna and Grandad for a period of time and we occasionally travelled on holidays with them. Jared went on several visits to Kalgoorlie with Grandad where he got to visit where Grandad was born and raised, including the site of the blacksmith shop where Grandad's father carried on a blacksmith business when Grandad was a boy during the 1920s. During these visits, Jared has told me, he got to know to Grandad very well and considers it an honour that he had this time to learn about his grandfather's history.

In 1994, Mum and Dad took us on a trip to the UK with Grandad. Jared and I had thought we'd heard all of Grandad's ditties until that trip...I guess it took driving 4,000 miles around Britain to finally hear Grandad's entire repertoire, even now we're not sure we actually ever heard them all. During that trip, we would enter these fantastic, historic buildings. Jared and I would take one trip around and then start in with the "I'm bored!" but Grandad and Dad wanted to look at every single stained glass window and read every single plaque.

In more recent times, since our Poppa, my Mum's father passed away Jared really tried to spend more time with Grandad. He told me that four big things stuck out in his memory, Grandad coming to the one football grand final that he played in, Grandad coming to watch Marshall play soccer, Mikaela's first birthday just last year and the Christmases that we spent with him.

It's rare to come across a man like Grandad, I can honestly say that I have never once heard a bad word said about him. Perhaps I haven't lost all of my childish innocence because to this day he's still my hero. I've always said that "I'll be a mess when Grandad dies.". I could say it so casually because I never truly believed that it would happen. Even after he was admitted to hospital and I visited him on the Friday night, I was still so sure he was going to be okay and absolutely certain that he was still going to make it to 100 years old and get his letter from the Queen. When I got to the hospital on the Saturday before he passed, my childish self still couldn't fathom what was going to happen. I had to be told by my family, two nurses and the Registrar before it even began to sink in that my hero, the man that had been there for me my entire life was no longer going to be a physical part of it. Even now, a part of me can't actually believe that I'm here and doing this.

I have one final story to tell. In order to tell it, though, you need to know that I was seven years old when Grandad's wife, my Nanna, died. I don't remember a lot about that day. I remember going to see Nanna who was laid out in the master bedroom at The Farm. I remember copying Mum and leaning forward to give her a kiss on the forehead, terrified the whole time that she would open her eyes. I remember crying at her graveside because all the adults were crying and that made me sad. What I didn't remember was something that Grandad told me a few years ago, he said that he remembered me coming over to him when we were at the cemetary and giving him a hug and he said that it was part of what gave him the strength to get through the day.

As we left the hospital near midnight on the Sunday that Grandad passed away, I was physically and emotionally wrecked from spending the day at Grandad's bedside. My six year old nephew, Marshall, walked over to me, put his arm around my waist and said "It's okay Aunty Siâny. You've got me. I'll always be here." and I understood why that memory from Nanna's funeral had stuck in his mind all these years.

Grandad, we know that you're in Heaven and we know that this only goodbye for now but that doesn't make this hurt any less. I miss you so much already and it's been less than two weeks since you spoke to me last. You will still be a part of our lives. With every birth of every child and with every marriage and with every birthday you will be in our hearts. You're having an amazing time in Heaven and as broken-hearted as the family and friends that you have left behind are, you have well and truly earnt your reward. We love you and always will. :'(

Well, this is a painful comeback!

So if you're wondering where I've been since I dropped off the radar, so much stuff has happened. I have two quite sad blog entries that I'll add after this one. Firstly, my beloved Grandad passed away at the beginning of the year. I was completely devastated. I spoke at his funeral and I'll post the speech that I wrote. I still miss him so much and this world is a darker place without his shining light in it.

Three days before Grandad's funeral, I found out that I was pregnant. I was so incredibly happy even though my husband was in shock. Unfortunately for my waistline, I didn't exercise and ate complete crap. When you're pregnant there's a whole bunch of things you have to avoid and the easiest thing to buy at work that was "safe" was stuff like chips and gravy. In hindsight, I could've prepared food (but in all fairness, I was incredibly tired!) or even bought alternatives. Either way, I didn't do that and my weight slowly crept back up. Sadly, on the 26th of March, I miscarried the baby. I'm still struggling with this, at work there are five girls who are all pregnant and have noticable bumps and it kills me. I hate that Snooki from The Jersey Shore can be getting herself blackout drunk during the first trimester and have a healthy pregnancy while I didn't drink, didn't smoke, took pregnancy vitamins every day of my pregnancy and didn't even eat bloody soft eggs and still had a miscarriage. Life is unfair. Don't get me wrong, it's not that I want Snooki to have a miscarriage, it's just that I think it's unfair that I did everything right and still had a miscarriage.

Anyway, when it happened, I made a post on my Facebook about it. I don't think enough people talk about miscarriage, it's a topic that's kind of "taboo" and I don't know why. There's nothing to be ashamed of with having a miscarriage and if more people talked about it maybe it wouldn't feel so incredibly lonely when you're suffering through one. I got so much love and support from my friends which is what I really needed. I'll post what I wrote on Facebook after this, too.

I was actually inspired to blog again from a lovely lady called Janet whose blog Love Is Blonde, I came across while reading some articles in Unbearable on Mommyish. She had a miscarriage at 26 weeks and reading about it really touched my heart. It's nice to know that I'm not alone, this kind of pain has been experience by people before and they have gotten through it.

So, moving on to a happier topic. My husband and I are starting Power 90 again from Monday. I'm looking forward to it but also dreading it. I've been doing no exercise at all lately, I stopped doing taekwon-do when I got pregnant and haven't gone back. I won't go back because to me it's a bit pointless because if I get pregnant again I'll have to stop anyway and I'm useless when training because I'm terrified I'll get kicked in the stomach (which actually happened during my last pregnancy at 6DPO!). My husband is going to go back once he's a bit fitter. Either way I'm equally excited and dreading starting P90 again!

Also...I GOT A RAV4 TODAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's taken ten years and four cars but I finally got it. I'm so excited! It's a bit weird, though, the Rav4 was my dream car...can I give everyone a bit of advice? Aim higher! I was once told that your dream car is meant to be something unobtainable and now I know why...I no longer have a dream car, I just have my car. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm absolutely over the moon but I don't think I'll ever have a "dream car" again. Not the way I wanted the Rav! Either way, I get a massive smile on my face every time I walk into the garage and see this...