...it turns out, you're not. Since I wrote yesterday's blog, I got a few unexpected messages of support from "my girls". I had a good, long chat with my secret twin last night. After posting yesterday I really wanted to make the effort to talk to her. It was great catching up but I will admit that I cried for the rest of the train ride home after we got off the phone. Then I picked myself up, dusted myself off and read my Fifty Shades Freed book for the bus ride home.
So I guess now I'm just looking forward to the 1st of July. New financial year, maybe a BFP for me. It would be fitting, my whole life revolves around financial years so this would be perfect for me. Isn't it crazy how we look for "signs"? Things that might indicate that this is why something will or won't happen. Realistically, if it happens, it happens and if it doesn't, it doesn't.
I'm trying to stop focusing on what "should have" been. I think it's getting easier as my former pregnancy ticks on without me or my baby with it. I can't imagine either of us at 20 weeks pregnant, though I can imagine in painful detail how happy my husband and I would be at the 20 week scan with my Mum and mother-in-law in tow. Sometimes I will remember with horrible clarity the feeling of being in that hospital and I relive my miscarriage over and over again.
A part of me feels guilty because I don't feel like I loved my baby enough. From the time I had that scan and my baby measured small with such a low heartbeat, I didn't really connect to the pregnancy. When I miscarried, I was just numb. My heart breaks thinking about how happy I was during the beginning of my pregnancy compared to how I feel now.
Wow, I have gotten carried away with this blog, I'm sitting here and typing with tears streaming down my face when I had originally been planning to write an upbeat entry! So anyway yes, this is why I'm trying not to focus on where I should have been but on where I am and where I'm going.
Which brings me back to a more positive note, my friend is going to lend me her elliptical machine. I told her I was thinking of buying one and she offered to lend me hers for a month. If I actually like it and use it, I'll buy it off her. If I don't then no harm done. I'm also seriously thinking about returning to taekwon-do, I do miss it and she made a very attractive proposition in regards to my training to make it worth my while and less scary to return while TTC and possibly UTD.
So that's my plan. Focus on the future. Focus on my fitness and health. I might be broken but it turns out I'm not totally defective after all.
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