The things that amuse me...

(Click to enhance)

Mexican Meatballs,

Dessert is going to be an issue. Perhaps a trip to HT is required or maybe L4. You will need to liaise with Apricot Chicken on this matter. It is of utmost importance that this missive does not fall into the wrong hands.

Take care.

P.S. The red robin flies at midnight.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Greetings from Crazytown!

So if you're looking for proof that TTC is making me crazy, we officially have it. Some girls on the forums were talking about some "fertility readings" they were having done. I have never once in my life thought to consult a psychic for anything. I've always felt that whatever is going to happen will happen and I'd rather not know when things are going to occur and quite frankly, I didn't hold with such nonsense. My desire to get pregnant again apparently outweighs my sanity because when I heard about it, I promptly sent off requests for readings from "JennyRenny" and "Cheri22". Today I got the following response from Jenny Renny:

"Your reading reveals that your BFP news comes the end of June/beginning of July from a cycle that began in June.  The baby shows as a boy and his EDD/birth date is referenced the month of March 2013 - specific reference to the 9th and 7th."

Now, before she gives the prediction, she asks for some information. That being my DOB, DH's DOB, when my current cycle started, how long my cycles usually are and any previous pregnancies. My first reaction to this "reading" was to haul out my Inner Skeptic to say that I could easily have plugged these dates into an EDD calculator myself and come up with these results, another part of me was whooping with joy and hoping that she's right. I feel better since a friend told me that the one she got done by Jenny Renny said July so obviously she doesn't just tell everyone it's going to happen straight away.

It remains to be seen as to whether this prediction will hold true but needless to say, I hope it does. It'll be interesting to see if Cheri's prediction matches Jenny's and also if hers is correct as well.

As for my sanity, I guess it goes without saying that it left the building quite awhile ago. Maybe one day it will return but until then life is sweet in Crazytown! Wish you were here!

Secret assignations...

This came to me via a secret internal mail envelope dropped anonymously on my desk. Totally made my day!




- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Just when you think you're totally alone in this world...

...it turns out, you're not. Since I wrote yesterday's blog, I got a few unexpected messages of support from "my girls". I had a good, long chat with my secret twin last night. After posting yesterday I really wanted to make the effort to talk to her. It was great catching up but I will admit that I cried for the rest of the train ride home after we got off the phone. Then I picked myself up, dusted myself off and read my Fifty Shades Freed book for the bus ride home.

So I guess now I'm just looking forward to the 1st of July. New financial year, maybe a BFP for me. It would be fitting, my whole life revolves around financial years so this would be perfect for me. Isn't it crazy how we look for "signs"? Things that might indicate that this is why something will or won't happen. Realistically, if it happens, it happens and if it doesn't, it doesn't.

I'm trying to stop focusing on what "should have" been. I think it's getting easier as my former pregnancy ticks on without me or my baby with it. I can't imagine either of us at 20 weeks pregnant, though I can imagine in painful detail how happy my husband and I would be at the 20 week scan with my Mum and mother-in-law in tow. Sometimes I will remember with horrible clarity the feeling of being in that hospital and I relive my miscarriage over and over again.

A part of me feels guilty because I don't feel like I loved my baby enough. From the time I had that scan and my baby measured small with such a low heartbeat, I didn't really connect to the pregnancy. When I miscarried, I was just numb. My heart breaks thinking about how happy I was during the beginning of my pregnancy compared to how I feel now.

Wow, I have gotten carried away with this blog, I'm sitting here and typing with tears streaming down my face when I had originally been planning to write an upbeat entry! So anyway yes, this is why I'm trying not to focus on where I should have been but on where I am and where I'm going.

Which brings me back to a more positive note, my friend is going to lend me her elliptical machine. I told her I was thinking of buying one and she offered to lend me hers for a month. If I actually like it and use it, I'll buy it off her. If I don't then no harm done. I'm also seriously thinking about returning to taekwon-do, I do miss it and she made a very attractive proposition in regards to my training to make it worth my while and less scary to return while TTC and possibly UTD.

So that's my plan. Focus on the future. Focus on my fitness and health. I might be broken but it turns out I'm not totally defective after all.

19 weeks and 4 days

Well I've officially been not pregnant longer than I was pregnant and I feel like I'm slipping away again. I can feel it happening but I either can't or won't stop it. I've stopped replying to texts and emails as quickly. If you call me, I forget to call back. Janet from love is blonde calls it "hibernating" and in some ways it is. I don't miss Facebook at all and I'm sad that I no longer get to chat to "my girls" in the Facebook group but I've gotten a few lovely texts and emails from a few of them which is nice. They all have every right to be happy about their pregnancies, their babies and their children. I'm the one with the issue which is why I've removed myself from the situation. They don't need me bringing them down when they have nothing to be sad about.

Obviously it goes without saying that AF arrived over the long weekend. I'm doing my best to try and stop obsessing over pregnancy and babies. I worry that by the time I finally get pregnant, I will have put too much distance between me and my secret twin to gain back the closeness we once had. She called me on the weekend and I didn't call back. I assured myself that her pregnancy is going fine when she rang (she has had some medical issues in her pregnancy) and then I put it to the back of my brain and forgot to call back later. It's selfish of me but I hope she understands.

Another close friend has told me that this blog is the only way that she gets an insight into my mind anymore. In fact, she's the reason I'm even writing this. I'd happily hibernate away from here too. I always feel better after I write here, though. There's something about writing to everyone and to no one at the same time that is soothing.

I had a good, long cry to myself on Saturday while Damien was at work. I honestly don't know how people TTC for years and years, I hate it already and it's only been six months, three cycles and one miscarriage since we started. I hate the hope that you get for two weeks that this could possibly be the month, only to have it shattered by the arrival of AF. Then you get two weeks to deal with that, two boring weeks where you can't actively do anything towards getting pregnant but wait for O to happen and then the hope starts again.

I feel like I'm broken. I don't work right anymore and the only thing that will fix me is being pregnant again. Until then I'm just trying to function at bare minimum capacity to keep everything going until I'm repaired so that nothing else breaks in the meantime.