19 weeks and 4 days

Well I've officially been not pregnant longer than I was pregnant and I feel like I'm slipping away again. I can feel it happening but I either can't or won't stop it. I've stopped replying to texts and emails as quickly. If you call me, I forget to call back. Janet from love is blonde calls it "hibernating" and in some ways it is. I don't miss Facebook at all and I'm sad that I no longer get to chat to "my girls" in the Facebook group but I've gotten a few lovely texts and emails from a few of them which is nice. They all have every right to be happy about their pregnancies, their babies and their children. I'm the one with the issue which is why I've removed myself from the situation. They don't need me bringing them down when they have nothing to be sad about.

Obviously it goes without saying that AF arrived over the long weekend. I'm doing my best to try and stop obsessing over pregnancy and babies. I worry that by the time I finally get pregnant, I will have put too much distance between me and my secret twin to gain back the closeness we once had. She called me on the weekend and I didn't call back. I assured myself that her pregnancy is going fine when she rang (she has had some medical issues in her pregnancy) and then I put it to the back of my brain and forgot to call back later. It's selfish of me but I hope she understands.

Another close friend has told me that this blog is the only way that she gets an insight into my mind anymore. In fact, she's the reason I'm even writing this. I'd happily hibernate away from here too. I always feel better after I write here, though. There's something about writing to everyone and to no one at the same time that is soothing.

I had a good, long cry to myself on Saturday while Damien was at work. I honestly don't know how people TTC for years and years, I hate it already and it's only been six months, three cycles and one miscarriage since we started. I hate the hope that you get for two weeks that this could possibly be the month, only to have it shattered by the arrival of AF. Then you get two weeks to deal with that, two boring weeks where you can't actively do anything towards getting pregnant but wait for O to happen and then the hope starts again.

I feel like I'm broken. I don't work right anymore and the only thing that will fix me is being pregnant again. Until then I'm just trying to function at bare minimum capacity to keep everything going until I'm repaired so that nothing else breaks in the meantime.