Incommunicado

So I went down to Bunbury on the weekend. It was difficult, that’s for sure. So many things reminded me of the miscarriage I had when I was down there last. On a positive note, my new car was fantastic to drive, it was so enjoyable. I was frustrated on Friday night because I left work early enough that I should’ve been able to drive down there while we still had sunlight but alas, it had been decided that I would take one of my cousins with me. By 5pm he was only just leaving home and then he got on the wrong train line so we only ended up leaving Perth around 6:30pm which meant most of the drive was done in the dark. It certainly wasn’t as bad a drive as it used to be now that the Freeway goes the whole way to Bunbury, though.

When we got there, we had a great time playing Skip-Bo with Nanna before going to bed. The next day we went shopping in the morning before coming home and just relaxing until my Aunt and Uncle showed up with the rest of my cousins. My secret twin made her pregnancy announcement on Facebook on Saturday and commenting on that was the last thing I did before deactivating my Facebook account and going incommunicado. On Sunday I pretty much hibernated. I skipped going to church because I knew the service would be focused on mothers.

All in all, it was great having my Mum and my Aunt around. My Aunt lost a baby at 15 weeks before she had her first and my Mum lost twins at 26 weeks before she had her first so they both knew exactly how I was feeling. The desire to have a baby being so forceful and the fear of not ever having one.

I still haven’t reset my pregnancy app. I should’ve been 16 weeks and 3 days today. I have another one that says I’m 1 week and 5 days which is where I’m at in my current cycle otherwise known as CD12. Still waiting to ovulate, still hoping against hope that it happens this month. There’s no reason for it not to happen really but that gnawing fear gets at me sometimes. What if we were just lucky last time? What if it’s going to take months or years to get pregnant? I can’t handle that.

I just hope it happens soon. For my mental health’s sake I need it to happen soon.