Today I am definitely having a down day. I can’t explain why, there’s no particular reason. I keep thinking about where I should’ve been in my pregnancy. It’s not healthy, you don’t have to tell me, I know. It’s just hard to accept that I have to give up that dream. Or at the very least, that it’s been delayed. I mean, obviously it has, my brain knows that but my heart just keeps telling me that it shouldn’t be that way.
I heard a story this morning from a friend whose friend gave birth to a full term baby that was just over 5 pounds. Why was the baby so small? Because the mother smoked the entire way through the pregnancy. It just makes me so furious that people can be so utterly selfish and yet have essentially a healthy baby. It’s not fair.
I’ve been trying to think of a way to explain how I feel. It’s as though I’m teetering on the edge of a bottomless pit of despair. Some days I can stand comfortably at the edge of it, it’s still there but I’m feeling okay. Other days like today it’s as though I’m slipping in. I always manage to keep hold of a rope of sanity to stop myself truly falling in but while I’m dangling in that pit I can give in to my grief. I can cry, I can think “why me?” and I can compare where I should’ve been to where I am.
I know, of course, that how I’m feeling is a passing phase but I think that dangling in the pit sometimes is a way for me to cope and those down days all lead me one day closer to a brighter future. I will feel better in time, although I don’t think that I will truly be “fixed” until I’m pregnant again. Who knows, maybe that’ll happen this month. It’s stupid, I should be comforted by the fact that we got pregnant but I’m back to being concerned that my husband and I are going to have fertility issues. I guess when you want something so very badly, it’s easy to have irrational fears about it never happening.
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