The bottomless pit of despair

Today I am definitely having a down day. I can’t explain why, there’s no particular reason. I keep thinking about where I should’ve been in my pregnancy. It’s not healthy, you don’t have to tell me, I know. It’s just hard to accept that I have to give up that dream. Or at the very least, that it’s been delayed. I mean, obviously it has, my brain knows that but my heart just keeps telling me that it shouldn’t be that way.

I heard a story this morning from a friend whose friend gave birth to a full term baby that was just over 5 pounds. Why was the baby so small? Because the mother smoked the entire way through the pregnancy. It just makes me so furious that people can be so utterly selfish and yet have essentially a healthy baby. It’s not fair.

I’ve been trying to think of a way to explain how I feel. It’s as though I’m teetering on the edge of a bottomless pit of despair. Some days I can stand comfortably at the edge of it, it’s still there but I’m feeling okay. Other days like today it’s as though I’m slipping in. I always manage to keep hold of a rope of sanity to stop myself truly falling in but while I’m dangling in that pit I can give in to my grief. I can cry, I can think “why me?” and I can compare where I should’ve been to where I am.

I know, of course, that how I’m feeling is a passing phase but I think that dangling in the pit sometimes is a way for me to cope and those down days all lead me one day closer to a brighter future. I will feel better in time, although I don’t think that I will truly be “fixed” until I’m pregnant again. Who knows, maybe that’ll happen this month. It’s stupid, I should be comforted by the fact that we got pregnant but I’m back to being concerned that my husband and I are going to have fertility issues. I guess when you want something so very badly, it’s easy to have irrational fears about it never happening.

Uh, whoops?

Oh dear…well this is embarrassing. We couldn’t even keep up exercising for a full week, let alone a month! The only good thing is that I haven’t faltered with my diet at all. I’m still eating healthily just not exercising at the moment. I don’t have any excuse, we just have been waking up late and by the time we get home from work we’re both shattered and don’t feel like exercising. It’s a shame because when I do exercise, I feel so much better. I’m feeling very upset with myself and with my husband.

In other news, we heard from the car dealership yesterday and my old car is finally fixed and is going to cost much less than expected with Holden covering the majority of the repairs. At the same time we heard from another dealership that can sell it on consignment. It'll cost $300 to sell it and we’ll get a lot, lot more for it than we would’ve if we’d traded it in. All in all, I was pretty happy about that.

*** WARNING ***

From this point on in this blog, I’m going to double it as a TTC/pregnancy journal. It goes without saying that anything written here shouldn’t be posted on my FB if you’re friends with me there and also, if you’re uncomfortable with terms like EWCM this might not be the blog for you to be reading lol. Also, I reserve the right to write a whole bunch of posts and save them to post after I safely reach 12 weeks in my next pregnancy! ;)

*** END WARNING ***

On the emotional front, I’m feeling a lot better. I’ve learnt that I do not deal with the TWW very well at all. I hope and pray that I get pregnant again soon because it’s messing with my mind. I’ve got my Clear Blue Fertility Monitor (CBFM) locked and loaded (the month we got pregnant we only DTD on the two days it showed “peak fertility”) and we’re prepared with the Sperm Meets Egg Plan (SMEP) as well. I did have a giggle this morning when I did my CBFM test and it told me I had “low fertility”…I’m CD6 and still have remnants of AF hanging around so I never would’ve guessed! ;)

Power 90 W1D6 Day 6 Rest Day

Weight:
86.9 kgs
Loss from last week:
1.4 kgs
Total weight loss:
1.4kgs
So today was weigh-in day and I've lost 1.4kgs since Moday which I'm very happy about. Unfortunately I was suffering from The World's Worst Cramps™ so I stayed in bed doped up on Mersyndol and cuddling my hot water bottle which meant no P90 today for me. I'm feeling much better now, though, so the plan is to make it up tomorrow.
On the emotional front, I was talking to my 17 year old cousin tonight about my miscarriage. How is it that everything she said was the perfect response when grown women can get it so badly? I cannot be more grateful for her support and there have been very few people who have handled discussing my miscarriage with me as well as she did tonight.
This is a perfect example of why I'm so open about my miscarriage, though. At 17 she and her friends or sister haven't yet started trying for babies but chances are that in the future one of them will have a miscarriage or know someone who has one. If, heaven forbid, it's her then she'll know that I'm there to support her and know what she's going through.
I've been amazed by the amount of people that have told me that they've had a miscarriage when I had no idea. I can't imagine suffering this in silence, even on those occasions where you have a conversation with someone and they get every response "wrong", it's still comforting to know that at least they're trying to be supportive.
I am definitely feeling better. I think I just don't handle the two week wait very well! I've decided that I'm going to leave Facebook next Saturday, though. I know for certain that I will not be able to handle all the Mother's Day updates. :(
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Power 90 W1D5 Day 5 Sculpt 1-2

May the Fourth be with you!

Okay, I did NOT want to work out this morning. I was tired and grumpy so I laid down on the couch while I was waiting for my husband to put P90 on. I said to him "I'll just lay here and watch you do it!", of course I was just joking so I got up and did my workout.
The workout wasn't too bad, though I'm not looking forward to switching up to the 3kg weights next week. I'm getting used to the persistent ache that comes with exercising every day again. I make grunts and groans any time I have to move, it's incredibly attractive!
I'm not sure how much of this workout I'll be able to do once I get pregnant, I guess push-ups will be fine till my belly gets in the way but I'm not overly sure about the sit-ups or Power Yoga in the cardio workout. Anyway, I guess that's something I'll have to worry about in the future and just work around it. :)

Why is this so hard?

It's been 5 1/2 weeks since my miscarriage and it still hurts so much. I cry all the time, the littlest things will set me off. Like the other day, I was in the lunch room at work and one of the girls who is pregnant was in there. I was dealing with that fine until someone else came in and started talking to her about her pregnancy at which point I muttered to my friend "I'm outta here." and left before I started crying which I do quietly at my desk quite often these days.

So many of my friends are pregnant that it's not funny. This includes one of my best friends whose pregnancy was about 3 weeks behind mine. I am so, so happy for her but hearing about her pregnancy all the time is killing me. I want to support her, though, because when I first got pregnant she was still dealing with the miscarriage she had in December so she knows how I feel. Also, she's amazing and I hope she knows that, too!

I am seriously considering leaving Facebook for awhile, though. Of those people I know who are pregnant quite a few of them are due in May/June. I'm even going to one of the births! As hard as that will be for me emotionally, I'm excited to support my friend and so honoured that she's asked me to share such a special event with her and her husband, like she says, I've still got a chance to get pregnant again before she gives birth! Here's hoping that watching her give birth doesn't scare me off having children altogether! ;)

One thing I am dreading is Saturday. That's when I have to go to Baby Bunting and pick up the nursery furniture that I put on lay-by. I couldn't bring myself to cancel it because it was such a good deal but having it sitting in the house is going to be torture. It's bad enough that I already have a bunch of baby stuff in there but having the cot will be so much more difficult even if it is boxed up.

So anyway, I hope that people can understand that when I don't comment or post on your baby things and don't want to be around children that much right now, it's not because I'm angry at you or annoyed at you or dislike you or are unhappy for you, it's just because I'm dying inside and want to be in my own, miserable world for awhile and not rub salt into my wounds or bring you down in any way with how I'm feeling.

I am coping right now...but only just. :-/

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Power 90 W1D4 Day 4 Sweat 1-2

Today's workout was a bit of a mixed bag. We both felt better at the beginning but by the end I had *nothing* left in the tank. I was continuing on just by pure force of will to finish. It's not that I worked out that hard, I just didn't have anything left in me, zero energy!

Anyway, I still feel good that we're doing this again. Today is CD1 for those that understand the lingo. I'm devastated and briefly considered leaving Facebook again (which I still might do, maybe when I'm in the TWW). On the positive side, this means I can go hard with P90 for the 30 days we planned without worrying about doing any damage.

In other news, I've become a gum chewer! In between meals and snacks when I feel like eating something I'll pop in a piece of gum and chew that until my next meal. It's great, it's sugar free but because it tastes sweet and I'm doing something with my mouth, it tides me over and stops me from munching away on things I shouldn't. I'm also being incredibly strict about making sure I eat my snacks when I'm supposed to. I used to forget sometimes and then I'd get too hungry and eat some kind of crap. I'm also allowing myself a Pepsi Max at lunch and dinner to satisfy my sweet cravings but I can only have the one at lunch if I've drunk at least 2 litres of water by then.

All in all, I'm happy with my progress so far! :D

Power 90 W1D3 Day 3 Sculpt 1-2

Well...we are halfway through week one's workouts! Woohoo! It's funny, my diet has been a lot better since Monday, I've always found that when you're working out it's easier to eat healthy because you don't want to undo your good work. I've decided to allow myself one cheat meal on Saturday...ONE. It'll stop me from going insane and also help to keep my metabolism burning.

As for today's workout, my thighs are still on fire from Monday so all the squats and lunges were hell. I still had to do all the push-ups on my knees and I'm still on the 2kg weights to ease myself into it but I'll definitely be switching to 3kg from next week. I can't believe I was doing all the push-ups on my toes, all the chair dips with my feet out and using 5kg and 4kg weights. Oh well, I'll get there! :)